Bittersweet Regrets
by SMS13
Summary: Joint fic with Kattybaby2318... Carter and Abby face realities after a year full of changes for both of them...
1. A New Life

Author's Notes: It's officially my turn for the Author's Notes. So after that wild ride that Hate to Love and Back sent you on, we're doing another one. Yes. Another one. I don't believe it either. I'm posting this one because Kat needs a major break. I hope you like this one just as much as the other one. This chapter sort of sets up the story a bit... It takes place a few months after Carter goes back to the Congo to be with Kem. I don't think that happens on the show. But give us another chance, and when you are done hit that adorable review button at the bottom. Thanks!!! :0 ) And by the way, we own none of the characters mentioned in this fic, from now until forever because I hate doing disclaimers every chapter... 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My eyes are closing on me, and instead I close the worn out copy of Gray's Anatomy that I've had for years. I really should get a new one, but I always forget. I have a bowl resection tomorrow morning and I'm not prepared for it. Well at least Elizabeth is somewhat lenient towards me at times. I take the blanket from opposite side of the sofa and throw it over my feet. I just realized I'm freezing. It's the middle of April but it's still cold. That's Chicago. It was almost sixty this morning. And now it's probably down to thirty. This year has flown by, somewhat rocky, but it has. I want to get over this whole medical school thing and start my internship. I've already been accepted by County, which I'm happy about. I would feel weird anywhere else. I look out the window at the lakeshore. We've got the most beautiful view. I had sworn off men after Carter came back with his whore. I can't believe I'm not even worth waiting a few weeks. But that's in the past, and I've finally decided to move on. I can't keep my life on hold forever. It's probably one of the things that Carter helped me realize. We tried it, but it didn't work out. We were better as friends, we should have never crossed that line. I still miss him sometimes. Especially the friendship we shared, but its over. He's probably married to Kem. I secretly wished it was me a few times. Until I found Zach. It was a complete surprise. I hadn't expected one of Susan's matchmaking experiments to work. And now I'm eternally in debt to her, or so she says. We're not perfect, but we work good together. He's a surgeon at Loyola Medical Center, so his hours are easier than mine. He definitely does not look the 40 years he really is. I know I'm in a huge amount of competition for him, but I guess he saw something in me that I never saw. 

I've changed alot, too. I guess I shouldn't have said that people never change, because I know I have. I gave up feeling sorry for myself and decided to do something about it. I've grown a bit more positive, stopped drinking and smoking. I finally feel alive for the first time in ages. I've let my family deal with themselves for a change, and cared about myself. I still have my moments, but Zach doesn't say anything. He lets me do my thing, and that's probably one of the reasons I love to be with him. He doesn't want me to be someone I'm not. He knew, from the beginning, what he was getting himself into, and he stayed around. Which is much more than I can say for a certain doctor. I'm still a little bitter about it. I have reason to be. I'm so tired. But I promised Zach I would wait for him. It's our six month anniversary tonight. He probably has something planned, since that's the type of person he is. I've never been used to having a guy adore me all the time, but that's what Zach does, and I've gotten used to it. He leaves random notes or flowers every few days. I felt so awkward about it at first, but it feels nice. He tries so hard, and I've begun to try to. I know he wants this to work, he's told me as much, and it motivates me to try. If I have a reason to try, I will. I would have. I need to get him out of my head. It's been almost 9 months. He's probably holding his son right now somewhere far away in the middle of Africa. I know I'll never forget him, not something I will discuss with Zach anytime soon though. He took a part of me with him when he left. I still think we need to talk, air out all the dirty laundry. I mean the few days he was here last, I could have sworn there was something, some air of spark between us. He left again, and I decided it was time to get over it. I've done it before, and I can do it again. He said it himself, I'm strong. It took me a while to realize it. 

I like myself. I can finally say it. I like who I am. I've finally summoned enough courage to go back to medical school, follow my once-thought-dead dreams. I've also managed to get into a relationship that doesn't take effort, it just flows. We have our fights, our miscommunication issues, but it works out on its own. I think I might have left my soul mate standing outside the entrance to the ER, but a man who makes me feel special shouldn't be considered second best. I like Zach. I don't know if I would say love yet. As a teenager I thought I knew what love, but now I'm more careful about what I say and don't say. I regret not saying it. I need to leave the past in the past. I hear the phone ring and grab the headset, looking at the caller ID. I've only moved in here about two weeks ago, and half his friends still wonder who I am. I'd rather not deal with any of them tonight. But it's Zach, I press the talk button. 

"Hey."

I hear really bad reception, so he's probably still at the hospital. 

"Abby? I'm so sorry sweetheart. I have to pull a double. I'm sorry. I promise I'll make this up to you." 

I roll my eyes. I would be mad, but he usually doesn't have to work unscheduled shifts unless there is an emergency. 

"Don't worry about it. I'll see you tomorrow." 

I switch the phone to my other ear because it started to fall. 

"I have to get back, but go look under your pillow. I love you."

I hear the phone switch off. I should have known he would have hidden something in a obvious spot. I just didn't feel like doing anything but collapsing on the sofa when I got home. I push the blanket off and trudge my way into the bedroom. The condo is so clean. It's always neat. I swear I picked a winner sometimes. A surgeon who can clean and treat a woman the right way. No wonder everyone's always jealous. I like the feeling. I slide my hand under the white pillow and pull out a rectangular jewelry box. I open it slowly, I see a diamond glisten in the dim light. Only Zach would have taken the time to figure out what I would like. It's absolutely gorgeous. A gold necklace with a simple diamond pendant. I'm not a big fan of jewelry, and if I have any, I like simple. I take it out and head towards the mirror to put it on. I wish he was here, but he's not. I've grown dependent on him in a way. That's probably one of the things I did wrong with Carter. I actually believed he would stay. That was one big lie. I let the necklace lay perfectly around my neck. Zach will stay. I know he will. I just sometimes wonder if I want him to. It scares me to think about where I'll be in ten years. I hear the phone ring and I walk back into the living room and grab the phone off the sofa. The caller ID flashes Susan's number at me. 

"Be happy Zach is not here, because you would have gotten an earful."

She starts to laugh. I've gotten alot closer to Susan, Sam, and Luka lately. I didn't see a need earlier. But now I have I what I call my double life. I'm out at County all day, and then I come home to a completely separate life. We don't work together, we don't share the same patients or problems. We both talk a little about it, but we both are able to quickly forget it since neither one of us knows what the other is talking about. Can't complain there, that's all I want to do sometimes is just forget. 

"What's up?" 

I sit down on the sofa, wrapping the blanket back around myself. 

"Nothing. I've had a long day." 

I hear her yell something at Chuck. Susan's out on maternity leave. She's loving every moment of it. 

"Don't let Weaver get to you."

I hate that woman, with a passion. As does everyone else in the ER. And the hospital. And the world. 

"I won't." 

I start to play with the end of my sleeves. I'm tired and a bit bored. I'm going to bed as soon as I can. 

"You sound exhausted, I'm gonna let you get some rest."

I sigh a bit. Thank you Susan for reading my mind. 

"I'm sorry Susan. I've got a half shit tomorrow, I'll call you then?"

I will call her. If I remember. It's hard to do that sometimes. I feel so drained of energy after a shift. 

"Sure. Goodnight and tell Zach I said he better take care of you or I will take care of him."

I start to laugh. 

"Thanks Susan. Night."

I hang up the phone, and lie back down on the couch. I don't feel like getting up anymore. I fix the pillows behind my head. It's nice in bed if Zach is there next to me. But he's not here, and the sofa is telling me to stay, and my body is agreeing with the sofa. I fix the blanket and can feel the weight of my eyes closing them. I will seriously fall asleep in under a minute. Yet that's not a possibility. Someone's knocking at the door. I can't sleep in the on-call room at work, and I can't sleep at home. It's insane. Whoever it is, they better have a good reason for showing up at 11:03 at night. I walk up to the door and start to undo the locks. I swing the door open, and time actually stops moving. I'm frozen. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


	2. Painful Ruminations

Author's Notes: Chapter Two.. We got six reviews!!! Yippie!!! So I'm doing really quick thank-you's to AbbyFan, Tilde8884, Princess5, Meg, Tracey, and JasonsGurl07... You guys are great, thank you so much for taking the time to review... This is Kat's chapter, since we're switching off like we did for Hate to Love and Back.. I have the odd numbered chapters in Abby's POV and Kat has the even numbered chapters in Carter's POV for this story.. A nice change of pace for all of us.. I hope.. Anyways on to the main presentation, and please please please review!!!!!   
  
~*~  
  
The points on the black metal fence fade into the black of the night, a shiver runs through my spine. Just coming here brings back memories, memories I would rather forget, especially at a time like this. I usually wouldn't come here, but this are unusual circumstances. I take a deep ragged breath, preparing myself for whatever lies before me. I don't exactly know what brought me here, was it some force, some unknown pull dragging me towards this place. I look around no one is in sight. A rumble of thunder fills the quiet night. I carefully push the gate open, my shoes squishing into the green turf. So much for new clean shoes. The mud spills over, hitting the cuff of my pants. Kem won't exactly be pleased. She will nag me about this, asking me where I would go to get my pants dirty. I would wash my pants myself, but while we are in Chicago she insists that she does all the housework, which floors me because she is not the type to want to stay at home, she must think I have some jaded American view of how a women is suppose to take care of her man. I should probably inform her that we don't live in the stone ages and I can do my own laundry. Not that I don't love what she does for me, or to me. I slowly approach the big cement grey tombstone sticking out of the ground. I kneel down and trace my finger along the poem engraved into the tombstone. I sigh, thinking of all the times we had together, be it good or bad, she was my strength at my weakest hour. I didn't think I could live without her. Yet here I am with a son and my fiancee and I think- I think I'm doing okay. I think she would be proud of me too, maybe she would like Kem, god knows she didn't like Abby. Their conversations were humorous at least. Never any hateful words exchanged. I shake my head, trying to free myself of all Abby related topics.   
  
I look at the letters perfectly placed on my grandmothers grave, reciting them to myself.   
  
"To see a world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wildflower . . .hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour . . ." I don't know exactly why I chose that one, be it that life can come and go so quickly. I am not sure if it even relates to Gamma in any way, shape, or form. I guess at the time I felt it best suited. I take one last look at the grave, "Love you Gamma." I turn my back to the hard cement, heading towards the L train. It has been exactly a year today since Gamma died. I miss her, she was one of the reasons I left for the Congo, I guess I can thank her for meeting Kem. Maybe I should thank Abby too, I mean she is part of the reason I left, also. I am just grateful I have Kem now. It has been such a hard journey, finding someone to love, to love me. It is over though, can't say I miss it. I slowly walk up the stairs, I look around at the neighborhood. It's Abby's I think, I am not sure though. She lives with some guy. I have no clue who he is. Can't say I care. I am glad she is back in med school though, she should never have quit. Her new boyfriend's a surgeon. Bah, a surgeon. I walk up to the platform just as the train pulls in. I step forward, then realize maybe I should go pay her a visit. I mean it has been what? A few months since I've seen her. It's just me in Chicago this time, I am picking up a few shifts at County. I wanted Kem and Kassim to come, but she wanted to stay with her family, she didn't want him flying yet, either. I feel a bit bad for not informing Abby of Kem being pregnant and just springing it on her at work. I head for her apartment, I don't really know why I am going here really. I tell myself it is to apologize for something I did months ago, it seems like tonight forces are taking me places, leading me places I don't necessarily want to go, but need to maybe go? I walk up the stairs, it's quite late, she might not even be up. I knock on the door, just realizing that her boyfriend could be home, and not too pleased about me showing up at his place after midnight. I have never met him, only heard about him. Not directly from Abby of course, we don't talk about personal matters that much anymore. We do talk, just not as much and as frivolously as we once did. I hope I am at the right apartment, I have never been here, she just informed that she moved and told me the neighborhood. The door swings open, and there stands Abby looking disheveled and tired in sweats and a sweater. "Carter?" She asks it more then says it. "Hey." I shyly reply, wracking my brain for an excuse as to why I came here so late at night, or at all even. "What the hell are you doing here?" Well she's pleasant. "Uh-" I am at a loss for a reason, an excuse. Anything would be nice right now.   
  
"What do you want John?" I search her face for clues, clues to how she really is feeling right now, because I can tell that voice is a mask of some sort. Covering her pain? Fear? I don't know. "I just thought I should stop in and apologize." I cover quickly.  
  
"For?" She doesn't seem to be moving, or wanting to let me in.   
  
"Can I come in?" She thinks this over, her eyes locked on mine.  
  
"Yeah." She sighs under her breath. I walk into the small condo, its neat, clean, it smells like her, but her and a man. I smile a small smile, she doesn't reciprocate, instead I get a cold stare. "Look John, its late and I have a shift tomorrow, so if you need something-"  
  
I watch as she speaks, she looks beautiful, I haven't thought about her like this since, well, before we broke up. I watch as she has one hand on her hip and the other running carelessly through her long hair. Its slowly returning back to its natural brown. I lean down and place a small kiss on her mouth. I have no idea what I am doing or why I am doing it, for that matter. My lips part allowing entrance for her, instead she violently pushes me off, I fall back a bit. "What the fuck are you doing?" She screams at me. I wish I had an answer. I watch as she stares intently at me. I lick my lips, tasting her, smelling the scent that is filled in the apartment. "Fuck Carter!" She paces the apartment, looking up at me every once in a while. "I have something great, with a great guy. One of the things that draws me to him most, is that he is not YOU!" It's like a knife if the heart, I never knew hearing those words from her could actually cause that much pain, considering I don't love her, not that I ever did. "Fine." I run my fingers through my hair. She wipes her mouth and cheek. "Fuck your fucking beard was fucking scratching me." I roll my eyes, what the hell? She goes from bitching about me kissing her to bitching about my beard. "Fuck I bet I have a scratch mark, or some sort of contaminated beard disease."   
  
"Oh would you shut the fuck up." I scream back at her. She stops her crusade, and walking to look at me. "I don't know why the fuck I kissed you Abby, believe me I don't want to be with you, just as much, or more, then you want to be with me. Okay so fuck. Quit your fucking tirade."   
  
Our eyes lock for a moment, I don't know what to say, neither does she. I got myself into this predicament, maybe I should get myself out. "Don't tell Kem." Is all I can manage to say. "Fuck, what the hell." She shakes her head. "You try to shove your tongue down my fucking throat and all your worried about is your relationship with your fucking girlfriend."  
  
"And my son." I realize after I said that, that wasn't an appropriate comment to make at that moment. "Fuck Carter. You kissed me. I did not kiss you."   
  
"I don't even know why I am here!" I say watching her fidget with her clothes, pulling on the sleeve of her sweater. She walks closer to me, staring me in the eye, preparing to say something, nothing comes out at first. She is mulling over her thoughts, she speaks slowly, quietly. "Then why don't you go? You ran away the first time things went tough between us." She says this calmly, but I can sense the anger in her voice. The hate she has for me. The sleepless nights she spent coming up with a plan to kill me, and how to dispose of the body without anyone knowing. "Okay." I state it simply, not moving a muscle.  
  
We watch each other, waiting for the other to move, I don't want to move though, something is comfortable about this situation and I wish I knew what it was. She brings her fingers up and touches my face, trying to avoid my beard, not succeeding. She cringes at the feel of the beard against her skin. "Issay." She whispers.   
  
"It's an African word for hairy, I had an African boyfriend once and that's what his parents named his little brother." She smiles slightly.   
  
I lean down bring my lips to hers once more, this time our kiss deepens, this is wrong, but it feels right. 


	3. Mistakes Being Made

Author's Notes:: Sorry quick update. I'm tired. It's been a long, complicated, sick day... Please Review!!! Thanks to everyone who has so far.... :o)   
  
I wish I knew what the hell was going on, but I don't. I'm in a world I thought I had lost, and everything disappeared. It's just him. I should be mad at him. I should push him away once and for all, but I know that is impossible to do. I can't stop kissing him, much less push him through the door. My heart is pounding, pulse racing, but I can't get enough of him. Every second longer we are together is how much more pain we are causing to each other. I would give all the pain in the world for one night with him. The way it used to be, before we fell apart, before he left, before we stopped talking. I would give anything to have all that back. Subconsciously I know it will never go back. But I can still dream, and that dream is becoming a fantasy. His hands run over my body, he knows where I am most vulnerable. Instead of moving towards the door, we are moving back towards the bedroom. I'm pulling him with me. I don't want this. I want him to suffer the way I did. I want him to feel the pain I felt. But right now he's here, in the flesh. There is nothing more that I want. Even if it just means mentally having to prove to myself that I'm nothing but a good fuck. And he wants me for nothing more. I need him.   
  
I haven't opened my eyes. I'm afraid to, as if this is all a dream, or something I am imagining. I want to feel him inside me instead. Then I'll know. Then I won't be afraid to open my eyes. His hands keep tracing over my body, he knows he has complete control over me. I shouldn't let him. I should make him leave. He didn't want me. He wanted his whore. I'm absolutely nothing to him. I'm a worthless piece of shit to him. He has perfection at home. He wants to get laid, they are probably fighting. I don't want to be with him. I shouldn't want this so badly. This is so wrong. It feels right. It feels like we were meant to be together. His hands start to slowly inch my shirt off. No. I"m not going to do this to myself. Screw him, I don't care what explanation he can give me. I can't do this to myself. This is part of the past I've been trying to let go. I push him, forcing the emotion that I felt for him into physical strength. He stumbles a bit. I lick my lips, holding on to his flavor for a second before running the sleeve of my shirt over them. He looks at me questioningly, debating what to do. He starts to move closer, I move back.  
  
" I think you should leave."  
  
He looks at me, as if I'm speaking a foreign language. Did he forget English in Africa? Or had his whore fucked his brains out?   
  
"Leave."  
  
He gives me a dejected look, still not comprehending what I'm telling him to do.   
  
"Abby..."  
  
He better not even try to Abby his way out of this one. It's not fair to me, I'm not the one that showed up at his door begging to get laid. He's not getting anything out of me. He deserves to be tortured.   
  
"I don't want to see you. Get out of my life."   
  
I'm spitting out words at him with such a crude, violent tone, they could probably breaks walls had I put some real mass behind them.   
  
"Run away like you always do."   
  
I'm not the one that ran away, I"m the one that ran after him. I had asked him to stay. We could have somehow talked, maybe tied up loose ends. He's the one that ran off, why should I be blamed for his ignorance. I'm not bitter at all. What kind of man breaks up with someone in a letter. That is for preteens and puppy love. I give him a forced smile.   
  
"I"m not the one that ran this time. You did."  
  
He knows I'm saying this with ease because it's the truth. I had asked him to stay. He left, he lost his chance, gave me a sure sign that we should move on. We worked better unfettered. I mean I feel more fettered to him than I ever did, but we're not together. I'm with someone that I genuinely care for. Oh my god. Zach. I had forgotten. What if he were to have come home. I would have killed two birds with one stone. He keeps on staring at me, as if he would be able to read my mind and gain access to how much hate I have for him right now.   
  
"What about your whore and son? You willing to risk everything for a lost cause? It's over. It started to fall apart from the beginning."  
  
He looks at the closed door then back at me. What does he want from me? I'm not in love with him. I don't give a damn about who he's with or what he does. He has, as far as I know, disappeared from my life. And it's a good thing. I'm happy he did.   
  
"You know that's a lie."  
  
I roll my eyes at him. My nails are digging into my hip where I placed my hand. I'm tired, I don't want to deal with this tonight. This is the last thing I need.   
  
"A lie you fabricated for yourself. Now go."   
  
I gives me one last look, and turns around. He's trudging towards the door. The reason he came probably lost, and everything that had planned failed. Serves him right. I'm not someone he can just run to for a no-strings-attached fuck. He doesn't have that luxury. I don't want him. He never wanted to talk before, and now suddenly he's devoted himself entirely to preaching to me about how I ran away. I stopped running away from the truth. I stopped giving myself excuses for why my life was on hold. I started to live it. And there is nothing that is going to pull me back into that endless vortex, especially Carter.   
  
I watch him exit through the door, slamming it behind me. As if he was leaving me in a fight or something. We have no more fights left. All it is is hard feelings towards one another that I'm going to slowly but surely work though. Something he will probably ignore. He never tries, expects things will be handed to him on a silver platter. The real world isn't like that, he needs to step out of the rich life. I move back, leaning against the wall. I feel my body begin to sink to the floor. I can't deal with all this tonight. I pull my knees up to my chest, my head finding its favorite position against them. I always sit like this, it's my comfort spot. I can feel the sting of salty tears wanting to force themselves out, but I'm not going to cry. I refuse to cry over him. He's not worth the tears I did cry. He's not worth the time or the torture.   
  
I don't know how long I'll sit here. I mean it could to be centuries. Or probably only minutes. I hear the door open again, slowly, cautiously. I don't have to look up to know its Zach. He throws his bag and coat on the chair by the door, he's over by my side in seconds. Its nice to be cared for at times. But right now I feel so dirty and guilty. This man deserves so much better than me. I can't believe I would have even thought of cheating on him. Who knows how far we would have gone. He had no intention of stopping. I lean into him, my tears finally beginning to soak through his crisp white shirt. Not tears over the trash I just threw out. But over the hurt and pain I could have caused the man next to me. He gives me a kiss on the cheek, wiping away the tears. I don't know if I'll ever tell him what happened. I don't think I'll ever admit to myself that it almost happened. That I almost gave in. Why am I a walking disaster? I always manage to inflict pain on the people I care about most, not that I specifically try. It just happens. I still haven't managed to get that black cloud that seems to follow me everywhere to leave. I can't cut that tail of misery that is always behind me. I'm a miserable wretched creature that doesn't deserve the love or compassion of anyone. I think I've come to the root of the problem, though. It's Carter. He's the one that manages to make me feel inferior to him, like I'm some sort of disappointment. I am a disappointment. I know I am. I start to stand up, heading towards the couch. Sleep isn't going to be very kind to me tonight. 


	4. Bitter Reflections

Author's Notes:: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, and please continue to review... Okay so I should shut up and not be so formal but I can't help it... LOL I'm tired... I just got back and I'm about ready to die... So I hope you like this chapter, Kat did an excellent job... Give us a chance with this one.. it's a different tone and all but it's getting better slowly but surely.. And please please please please please review!!! Thanks!!!   
  
~*~  
  
The slam of the heavy door adds to my fury, she wasn't exactly stopping either, this is not all on me. There were four lips involved in that kiss, four fucking lips. Shit, what the hell have I done? She is like some kind of drug, when I am around her I can't control what I do, how I feel. I just act, and this time I acted by throwing my body at her, during that kiss we felt like one, like this had not changed, accept they have. She is with someone she loves and I am with someone I love. I am glad for her stopping us, if not we could have done something we both regretted, something that could have caused us both emotional pain. Kem would be enraged if she found out I kissed Abby. She doesn't know much about our past relationship as it is, I neglected to tell her, I figured it was for the best if it just stayed in the past. There is no use in telling her, or at least there was no use in telling her until today. I hear heavy footsteps making their way up the hard cement steps, I look around me realising I haven't moved from my previously attained spot. The man that approaches me is tall, about the same height as me, maybe a bit taller. His hair is short, he doesn't have a beard. This must be her boyfriend. I ball my hands into fists, shoving them into my pockets. "Hey." He says politely nodding at me.   
  
"Hi." I say back somewhat nonchalantly. He looks at me curiously, I don't blame him, he must be wondering what I am doing standing outside of his apartment. "Uh- can I help you?" I shake my head no, not really sure of what to say, this is the second time tonight I find myself in this kind of predicament. "Well you are standing right outside the entrance to my condo so-"I take a deep breath in, realising the breath I have been holding in since he announced his presence. "I am- uh- I'm a friend of Abby's." I lie. He looks at me suspiciously, he obviously knows there is more to it then that. "I work with her, I just needed to drop off some chart information." I hope he buys this, he is a surgeon, but he probably does not know exactly how the ER works, so maybe this is believable to him. "Oh." He watches me intently, never in my life have I wanted to be a bouncy ball so much, I could just bounce out of here without a soul knowing. "I am not sure if she has mentioned you before- I have never see you around the ER before when I have been in there. What's your name?" This guy is really proving to be protective of his girlfriend, hell I would be too if I still had Abby. I guess telling him I'm Greg Pratt is out of the question, maybe I will get lucky and he will have never heard my name before. "John Carter." I say all in one breath, spitting out my name, praying to god he has no clue who I am. "Abby's ex boyfriend?" No such luck. His face hardens, he stares at me intently. "The one who broke her heart?" Well she has definitely talked about me.   
  
"You've heard of me." I smirk slightly.   
  
"You bet your ass I have. What are you doing at my place at this time of night?" He takes a step closer towards me, if this guy wants to fight all I have to say is bring it on. "Look man, I just came to drop stuff off and talk to Abby quickly." Well half of that is true, I try to move around him, but he firmly places his hand on my chest. "If you hurt her, I swear to god, I will hunt you down, even if that means flying all the way to Africa, to kick your skinny ass." With that he shoves me back, I quickly regain my balance, walking past him heading for the L. I can only pray that she does not reveal anything about our encounter, it was a momentary thing, an accident one big fucking mistake, that if I could take back I would. I am such a horrible person, it feels like a ton of bricks just hit me, the reality of this hitting me hard. I had a son. I have a little baby and I fucking some other women. Not that I did, but what kind of father am I? What kind of father fucks around with other women, while their fiancee is home nurturing and caring for their child? I wrap my coat tighter around my body, suddenly feeling dirty and guilty, I don't know if I will ever be able to look Kem in the eye again. I will go home to my cold bed alone. I should be alone every night. I don't deserve Kem, I deserve Abby though, because she is just a disgusting if not more, then I am. I walk onto the L, I have to call Kem when I get home, she has probably called at least five times today, I promised her I would call her as soon as my flight got in, but I forgot. I was quite busy with the foundation, this will annoy her. She does not like the division in our life. She calls it the divider line. What makes us different, in simpler terms. I live in the states, I love it here, to some extent at least. This is where I was born and raised, it is hard for me to just uproot. Kem on the other had lives in Africa, well for the meantime, I believe she wants to go back to London, this presents a problem, I want to live here, she wants to live there. We have managed to avoid talking about it, which is putting a strain on our relationship. I wish she would come live here, where I know she and the baby will be safe, but she is having none of that.   
  
I walk off the L train, heading towards the mansion, I have kept it all this time, holding it on for the sake of memories. Memories of Bobby and I playing in the yard, memories of Gamma, memories. I was hoping my children could have similar memories here, but right now it is not looking that way. I open the door to the enormous house. It squeaks a tiny bit, I ignore the sound heading into the kitchen to check the messages. I pick up my phone, listening to a boorish man blab on and on about the foundation. I skip that message and onto the next one. "Hey sweetie." Kem, well maybe I don't want to hear from her right away, I am suddenly feeling very guilty. "I miss you, so does Kassim. It has been lonely here without you, call us back whenever I just want to hear your voice. Love you." I look at the phone sitting on the wall, I reach forward angrily ripping it off, I smash it on to the floor out rage, I can't believe what the hell I did. I am horrible. I am not the John Carter she met in the Congo, I am a different man. A heartless man. One who does not deserve her. I quickly run up the stairs, climbing two at a time, I head for the washroom, leaning on the sink I hang my head, looking at the butterfly stencils that crowd the shiny sink. I slowly look up at my reflection in the mirror, I am no longer the man she knew and loved, I reach for a razor, the sharpest one possible. I pull out the last of the shaving cream, lathering my face. The blades drag on my skin, causing a sting I have not felt for a while. I shave closely, patches of the beard fall into the sink, I do not glance away from my reflection once. I watch as my old "new" self drifts away, hair by hair, I become the person I thought I left here in Chicago, the one who loved Abby Lockhart. The one who was clouded by thoughts of drug addiction, love for an inadequate women, I am not liking the person I have become, or maybe the person I have always been. I lean my face into the sink, dousing cold water over my tingling flesh. I stand up looking at my reflection. I look haggard, ugly, old. So many words to describe me, none of them good. I toss the razor into the sink, the clink it makes against the metal is satisfying. I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks, I don't attempt to stop them, why bother, its not going to change what I did. Nothing is. I have wrecked the only good thing I have in my life, for one meaningless kiss, with one meaningless women. I bring my hand up to my newly shaven face, tracing the outline of where my beard once was. I can't fucking take it anymore, I am ashamed of the man I am, the man I have become. 


	5. Understanding Needs

Author's Notes: Okay I will update. Alot. I promsie. We're already on chapter twenty two.... So ya know.. We've gotten pretty far.. I just need to post. Yell at me in your review if you want... LOL Enjoy this chapter and please review!!!!   
  
~*~  
  
The sun pierces through the blinds and I feel my eyes opening reluctantly. I have a shift at noon and I really should get up and clean or something. I don't think I fell asleep until three in the morning. On the couch, nonetheless. I couldn't bring myself to get into bed with Zach. I felt so ashamed of what I had done. A cup of coffee is handed to me, I can't even look him in the eyes. I take it from him, and place it on the sidetable next to me. I curl my feet closer to me so he can sit down on his couch. I see him starring out into space from the corner of my eye.   
  
"What happened last night?"   
  
I shrug my shoulders. Carter left a good couple minutes before Zach came in. I could make something up, lie to him. I probably wouldn't feel too great about myself, but I don't want to hurt him more than I know I can.   
  
"Nothing. Rough shift, that's all."   
  
He looks away for a second, but I can see that my lie didn't work. He wears his emotions and he is defintely angry right now.   
  
"Why do you always have to lie to me?"  
  
I look down at the pillow, playing with the ruffles on the edges. I don't know why I chose to lie to him. Because I made out with my ex boyfriend who I have no feelings for and hate with every fiber of my being. I'm lying to myslef again. I love it when that happens. Not only do I lie to Zach, but I try to make myself believe a lie.   
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
He starts to get up. I watch him get up to the window and open it, playing with the blinds a bit.   
  
"Sorry isn't enough."  
  
I know sorry isn't enough. I've tried using it before, it failed me incredibly. I'm starting to get the feeling that the fates hate me and want me to be alone, forever. I'll agree with it. All that ever happens to me is a broken heart and a bottle of something. It's always been like that. It'll always be like that. It's all Carter's fault. The jackass. It's always his fault. Of course it would help if I stopped blaming him and blamed myself for a change, but I like passing blame. It makes me feel less horrible about the person I am.   
  
"What do you want from me?"  
  
He's been walking around the living room. The whole place he's walked around, picking up pieces of clothes, or folding a blanket. He'll do something productive to pass the pain I know he feels.  
  
"What happened. The truth."  
  
I sigh and he just looks at me. I can't tell him. I can't admit to myself what happened last night. It was a dream. A stupid dream that I dreamt when I fell asleep on the sofa. But the lingering taste on my lips threatens to tell me otherwise.   
  
"Okay. So you need your space. I understand. I took the weekend off, I'm going down to the lake house. When you are ready to talk, give me a call."  
  
I hug the pillow closer to me and I feel the weight suddenly drift off my shoulders. Well at least for the weekend. He kneels down in front of me, forcing me to match gazes with him.   
  
" I'm worried about you, that's all... I love you..."  
  
He kisses me as he gets up. I hear him shuffle his things together in the background. I should tell him. But everything was going so well. My life was finally being puzzled together and now fifteen minutes together with someone I have no feelings for suddenly destroys it all. Carter destroys it all because he's selfish. He's a selfish asshole who doesn't want to think of anyone but himself. He's supposed to get everything he wants. He never will. I pull my body off the couch and walk over to Zach. He's trying to fish the keys to the house out of the bottom of the bowl by the door. I slip my hand into the bowl and take it out for him, dropping it into his hands. His arms goes around me, putting me in a very comfortable position that I've grown used to. Even if there is no emotional bonds, physical ones can be twice as strong. I hold on to him for a moment longer before he pushes me off. I can't read his mind. All I know is that he seems pained by something. Me, as usual, but something more. He closes the door behind him. I should run after him, drag him back in here, and tell him everything. But I don't know how I would explain the kiss. I still can't explain it to myself.   
  
I stand in my spot for a while, trying to formulate a possible explanation. No such luck, I play with the pendant on my neck, pulling it up and down on its chain. Why does everything always go wrong for me? I don't understand it. I didn't ask him to come back, I didn't push him out either. I just, I give up, for right now. I take the cup of coffee from where I had left it and head to the kitchen, watching the black drift into the metal sink. I head towards the refrigerator, a few pictures up on it. One of his parents and him, his friends, his co-workers, some from the golf club, and in dead center, one of us at Haiti this winter. I had to beg Weaver for that week off, but it had been completely worth it. It was amazing. Zach is a complete romantic. I think I realized for the first time when I was with him that I was finally happy for myself. I slam the door, forgetting those good times. Now all I've got in front of me is one big mess and a shift. I wonder when we break up, if Zach will keep that picture, or give it back to me so I can remember what a complete fool I was for losing him.  
  
If there was anything I could do right now make things disappear I would, but that's not the real world. I walk towards the bedroom, looking for something to throw on before I change into scrubs at the hospital. I've given up caring how I look anymore. I mean what's the point, I look like crap after a 36 hour shift. No one's going to care whether my eyeliner is black or brown when they are lying on a gurney in front of me. I find a pair of jeans and a black shirt. I pin up my hair, but of course it never cooperates with me and the bangs don't stay up. That's what bobbypins are for anyway. I look like hell and I don't give a damn. I walk back into the kitchen after my quick change and brew a fresh pot of coffee. Today is going to be one of those never-ending, everything goes wrong days. I wish I didn't have to work. I hope to God right now that he's off.  
  
~*~~*~ Review Responses ~*~  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan:: I'm posting.. I'm posting.. I need to be reminded a few times until I get into the groove.. LOL Kat was so much better at this then I am... Well so far... LOL  
  
Amanda:: Well thank you... We've gone a bit with it but we're still iffy on where it's gonna go... But it's going good...  
  
Alex:: Are there any other endings besides happy Carby endings???  
  
Tilde8884:: Angst is always good... 


	6. Complicated Matters

Author's notes:: I remembered to update. Well actually the ten reviews I had in my mailbox motivated me to update, so please review and I will keep updating. This chapter is Kat's, so enough said :o) It's a great chapter, enjoy, and please review when you'll all done.   
  
~*~  
  
I run the brush quickly through my hair, staring disapprovingly at the reflection staring back at me, I realize I am no longer the man I once thought I was, the man I once wanted to become. I am changed, I do not know who I am. Kem loved the John Carter she met in the Congo, the one she found to be romantic, yet goofy and clumsy. I was perfect to her. Now, I don't know. I don't think she will like the man I have become, the hurtful, deceitful, cheater. I kissed another women, if she hadn't stopped me I would have done more. I don't know what came over me, but at the time it felt so... right, something uncontrollable. Being in her arms, her embrace, was something I had wanted for so long, when I had it, it had not gone as planned. Now I am wrecking something perfect for something that was never meant to be. I toss the brush on the counter top, sighing frustrated. I give up.  
  
The stairs make a satisfying 'clunk' as my feet pound against the hard wood. Grabbing my brief case I head for my jeep, the days don't stop for my misery, so I am forced to work. I would much rather curl up into a ball, crying myself into an uneasy sleep.   
  
The hospital is crowded, as usual. I head for the lounge, my favorite spot right now. I can hear bickering come from inside, I do not recognize the voice, so I continue on my way. The door easily swings open, causing the two figures to stop their arguing and stare at me. Great. Just what I need right now, I turn to leave, but the man, whose name I have yet to learn, calls for me to stop. "I know this asshole has something to do with all this?" He spit harshly at Abby, yet watching my intently. I reluctantly look at a tearful Abby. "Zach-" That's it Zach. "Wait, it has nothing to do with Carter. Okay? Its just me." What the hell is she talking about? Do I even care, not really. "My fucking girlfriend wants to take a fucking break cause of you dick wad." He is practically spitting as he screeches at me. "I didn't do anything." I fib, it doesn't seem as though Abby has told him anything, but I can't be sure. He throws his hands into the air, surrendering to Abby. I watch as the tears trickle down her cheeks, he walks towards the door, which I am conveniently standing in front of. He shoves me violently out of the way, I clench my jaw, not succumbing to his childish ways. Abby stares at me, hate written all over her face, and quite evident in her eyes. "He knows?" I say barley audible.  
  
"No he doesn't know!" She says gruffly.  
  
"Then what was all that about?" I approach her slowly, she doesn't move from her sturdy position in the middle of the lounge. I stand about a foot away, figuring this is a safe enough distance. "None of your business." She whispers, her eyes on the floor, I reach my hand out, wiping a tear that falls down her cheek, she shoves my hand away, then proceeds to shove me away. "Fuck you Carter." She yells.  
  
"What the hell happened Abby?" I walk closer to her again.  
  
"You want to know what the hell happened?" I hesitant, then nod, not really sure whether I really want to know. "You kissed me. He knew you were at my place. I don't know how." Her gaze meets mine, she opens her mouth, as if she is going to ask me a question, then closes it, not uttering a word. "Keep going..." I push her for more information.   
  
"He said he was going to his summer house for the weekend, to give me space." She bites her bottom lip. "He said he wanted me to tell him on my own time-" She reaches up, wiping her tear stained face, a job I tried to do. "On my way to work I called him, telling him I need sometime. A break. Just a little time to sort my head." She swallows, gauging my reaction, making sure I feel guilty, I don't, well maybe a little. "He rushed over here, arguing with me. Saying this was your fault. That you said something to change my mind about us-" She is getting angrier by the second. I can't let her finish.  
  
"Go after him." I say lightly, as though I am suggesting a type of butter for her to use on her toast. "Nothing will ever happen between us Abby, not again. Don't waste your time on me, go after Zach. He loves you. I don't. You are meaningless to me." I am not sure how true that statement was, but it sure as hell made me feel better. "Fuck you Carter." She walks out of the lounge, stopping in the doorway. "By the way, it wasn't for you. I do nothing for you. Your just a prick, and a mistake. A bigger mistake then Richard."   
  
I watch her walk away, I don't give a fuck about her either. She is meaningless to me, the only thing that matters to me is my son and fiancee, one who may break up with me, but I will still love her.  
  
  
  
I hate this place, I wish I was back in Africa with Kem, just Kem and I, and our beautiful baby boy. I open my locker, ending the day where it started, in this fateful room, I am not sure what happened after Abby ran after her boyfriend, Zach, I do know that I don't care about her, or him for that matter. We have been over for a while now. Over a year, hell maybe even two I don't know. I lost track, well, I wasn't even keeping track. My eyes wander to the side of my locker door, the picture of Kem and our son, Kas. He's beautiful, his dark hair on his head, such a sweet looking boy. I take a deep breath feeling horrible, I still can't believe what I did. I haven't spoken to her much today, at all actually. After this morning. I feel so lost now, my life was on the right track, I guess it was too good too be true. I lost everything. I am losing my life. I don't know what is going on, I feel as though I am spiraling out of control, this is a familiar feeling, one I felt when Abby and I parted ways, but I found Africa, there I found myself. I found my life. Maybe I didn't though, maybe it was all an allusion, something that wasn't real. I made it up in my mind. Thinking back, I probably shouldn't have left like that, not only Abby, but my life. I took off, without a look back, but it seemed right at the time.  
  
Nothing seems right any more. I close my locker door, heading out into the night. I pull my jacket tighter around my body, the ambulance doors shut tightly, a sound erupting from them, causing a stir in the peaceful night, off in a corner of the ambulance bay I can see two figures arguing, I recognize her immediately, not again. I can't take it now. I need to get out of here before her psycho boyfriend sees me. I look back at the hospital one more time, it would be a safe place to hide from him, but then I am just taking the cowards way out, say she has told him, then I should face the music. Not only with him, but with Kem. I can tell her it was a momentary memory lapse or some load of shit. The truth might be the best thing to do right now, but it never seems right, it makes things more complicated. I had complicated situations, that's why I got rid of Abby in the first place, she was just to complex. She is his problem now. He can deal with her family, her issues, everything. I can't anymore. Kem is perfect, she is feisty, friendly, beautiful, warm. Everything anyone could ask for. I dig my hands deeper into my pockets, heading towards the L, well even if something does happen between Zach and I, at least I am at a hospital. Not a very good one, but a hospital none the less.   
  
~*~ Review Responses ~*~  
  
(I only responded to the reviews I had my mailbox, so I left you out, I'm sorry! I'll get to you.. I promise.. And please please please continue to review!)  
  
Tilde8884:: No you can still hope... :o) Hope is what seems to hold me week through week. I need Carby... I"m going to go through withdrawls very soon...But, that would be way to easy. We wanna keep Zach around because well we sorta like him. I mean he's not that bad is he??? But don't worry... You'll see alot of things in the upcoming chapters. I'm going to try to post as often as I can, so stick with us. I think Kat is currently working on chapter 22...   
  
CamilaC:: I know Zach hasn't done anything... But don't worry.. It will get more interesting. Zach's not a bad guy, he's just not THE guy for Abby...   
  
TooLazyToSignIn:: I'm really not in the mood to argue with you. Haiti is a usual spot for Carribean cruises. Yes, you were right when you said it was a third-world country, but their economy thrives on the tourist industry. Kat's sister returned from a cruise, and she had been in Haiti. Also, one of my best friends went on a cruise and she too, stopped in Haiti for two days. If this does still not convince you, go here:   
  
"Haiti." Columbus World Travel Guide. 06 Feb. 2004. http://www.worldtravelguide.net/data/hti/hti460.asp  
  
"Social Profile Nightlife: There is plenty of choice ranging from casinos to African drum music and modern Western music and dance. There is something happening in at least one major hotel every evening with the main attraction being folkloric groups and voodoo performances. On Saturday nights bamboche, a peasant-style dance, can be seen in one of the open-air dance halls. Hotels can give further up-to-date information on local nightlife" "Haiti".   
  
And before you go off about citing, that was cited correctly in MLA format. Unless you prefer APA format, which I can also do. I'm not a bad person, but as many people find out the hard way, very passionate. I do not want to argue. I understand you want to review, but you do not have to be rude. And just for your future knowledge, Haiti does not even make the list as one of the poorest countries in the world, so for your future papers, "one of the top..." is extremely vague..  
  
"Haiti: Facts." Aneki. 06 Feb. 2004.www.aneki.com/poorest.html  
  
"About 80% of the population lives in abject poverty" "Haiti: Facts".   
  
I have personally been to the Bahamas and Belieze. They are also poor countries, yet they are tourist attractions. People do not go to Haiti to set up a life there. They go for the beaches and attractions. Tourism is extremely important to the survivial of those countries, but I'm assuming you did not know that. 


	7. Confrontations

Author's Notes:: Chapter seven. I'm actually remembering to post. Well actually the reviews remind me to post, and I do. This chapter is mine... Meh... Not much to say. I hope you enjoy and at the end hit that review button and tell us what you think so far!!  
  
~*~  
  
I stand looking at the man in front of me. He's looking at me as if I was nothing but a cheating, lying, inconsiderate whore. Which is probably half true. I just wanted time, a break to figure out what I wanted out of life and how I was going to handle everything. I feel like such a decrepit and feeble person right now. I promised myself not to cry over him, and yet here I am, my eyes stinging from the mix of wind and emotions. I am so vulnerable and abased. I hate myself for it. I don't want him to see this side of me. The side that I've tried to destroy, yet it comes back, more powerful than before. It surfaces at the worst times. I want this all to end, for it all to go away. We've stood there for a few minutes, neither one of us saying anything. I can't bring myself to look in his eyes, the events of the night before still playing in the back of my mind. I can't do this to him. But I can't bring myself to let go of him. He was the best thing that happened to me. I look off to my left, at the entrance, hoping for my pager to go off, I need an excuse to go back inside. I need an excuse to pardon myself from this hell. I feel his arms begin to pull me towards him, shielding me from the horrors of the world. No matter what I may do, I have a feeling he'll always forgive me, I just won't be able to forgive myself. I hold on to him for a while, I should let go. The less I glue myself to him, the better it will be in the end. But I can't, and I stop trying. I feel his hands run up and down my back, a word still hasn't been exchanged between us.   
  
I suddenly feel like I'm being watched, an annoying feeling at that. I let go of Zach, he gives a look to something behind me. I turn my head. It's Carter, walking towards us. I'm not sure wether he's walking towards us exactly, or just by us, but I don't want to find out. I see Zach's jaw tense a bit. He walks up behind me, looking uncomfortable.   
  
"Abby, the patient in three needs a CT."   
  
I nod my head, avoiding both of the men's gaze. I can feel the tension between them. I could probably take a knife and slice through it a few times before it even broke the surface. I don't know why I said everything was okay between Carter and I. It never was, and it never will be. We've come too far together, and then suddenly split apart. There are things that still link us, whether or not we want to admit it. I see Zach look at me, and then at him. His eyes filled with hate.   
  
"Keep away from her."   
  
He lets me go and storms off towards his car, leaving me standing with Carter. I have a sudden urge to go run after him and tell him everything that happened, beg him for forgiveness at the end. But instead I stay in the same spot, the breathing behind me getting closer and closer every second.   
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
I shrug my shoulders, wanting to be relieved of this position. He walks around me, stopping in front, facing me. I want to erase his face from my memory, never admit that I had known him. It is an impossible feat. I would never be able to. He was such a part of me, he controlled my every action. If I didn't want to do something for myself, I ended up doing it for him. He's like a scar across my heart that I will never be able to remove. Along with the stitches that had been put in to mend it by Zach. It's just not the same. I hate him for what he's caused me to be right now.   
  
"Abby?"  
  
I can't even look at him without thinking of a thousand different ways to torture him.   
  
"What do you want from me?"   
  
He looks at me, questioning my intentions. I don't care how much I hurt him anymore. He's not worth the care. He's nothing to me anymore, another black hole of my life. It's the story of my life. A few good moments then blackness. His gaze persists upon me.   
  
"Get out of my life..."  
  
My voice comes out barely audible, a slight whisper over the passing of the L and the ambulance pulling up to the hospital. I hope he heard me, because I doubt I will be able to say it again.   
  
"What?"   
  
I know he heard me because his expression begins to change dramatically, the deep eyes full of spark now suddenly turned cold and grey.   
  
"Get out of my life... Every single day I regret ever meeting you, ever being with you... Run away to your 'new' life in Africa... I don't care."  
  
I turn around, leaving him standing there. I don't care. I'm going home. I'm mentally exhausted for the day. Someone will cover for me, somehow. I haven't called in sick yet all year, I need this one night. Just this one night to myself, alone. I start a slow walk after I get a good few blocks away from the hospital. I'm not running away. He ran away, the biggest mistake for us. There never was an 'us'. It never could have worked. We were two different people, with two different viewpoints on what each other should be. I never wanted him to be anything different than what he was, and he wanted me to be something different. To change the person I am. I have changed my lifestyle, my goals, but I as a person have not changed. I'm still the same miserable and fucked-up Abby that I always will be.   
  
I reach the condo after a long walk. My feet hurt, my head is aching. I trudge up the stairs, taking one step at a time. My keys come out of my pocket, fitting selectively into the lock. The door swings open, and I am faced with an empty home. I was silently hoping on my way here that Zach would be waiting for me. But he's not. He probably left to the lakehouse. I 'm alone. I should be alone, I don't deserve to be loved. Zach doesn't want to love me. He shouldn't. I throw my bag and keys on the floor, giving myself a moment to just forget. I want to forget everything that just happened. I wish it had just been a nightmare and in a few minutes I will wake up next to Zach and remind myself why I am with him.  
  
The ticking of the clock echoes throughout the silent condominium. Every second it feels as if a hammer is pounding into my head. I sit down on the sofa, resting my head on my knees, wrapping my arms around my body. Why did I think I could deal with everything? Why didn't I tie up loose ends when I had the chance? Now I'm lost in the middle of no where, and no end in sight. He's going to stay. I know he is. He's not just going to pack up and go back because I told him to. He will stay back to scorn me. I refuse to cry. The tears are building up in my eyes, but I'm not going to cry. No more signs of weakness or loss of control. I'm stronger than that. I can deal with it, I have before. I need to show Zach that I'm not worth it, so he doesn't have to force himself to stay with me. I will never stop blaming myself if he stays with me. He will become as wretched and pathetic as I am with time. I don't want that to happen to him. He deserves so much more.  
  
I hear the door squeak open behind me, a gush of chilled wind filling the room.   
  
"I don't regret anything."  
  
~*~ Review Responses ~*~  
  
Abbyfan:: I know but Carter is an idiot lately... I don't think he really means what he says/thinks about her...   
  
Amanda:: Yeah... He loves her... He will always love her... I just wish on the show Kem would die.   
  
MythStar Black Dragon:: Thank you.. We're trying to make it believeable.   
  
Caitlin: I know we do alot of angst, but there is no plot without angst. Well actually there probably could be, but when there is angst, then they end up together, it's ten times better... I think there might be some Carby fuzz, but I'm not sure. We're working on. Just stick with us.. Please?? :o)  
  
Tracey:: We like Zach too.. So we won't do anything bad to him...   
  
Camilia: No. I don't think they really 'hate' each other. I think they just hate each other because they love each other so much and they don't want to get her. I don't know that probably made no sense. I'm just gonna shut up now and post the next chapter... It'll get better... I promise.  
  
To everyone else who reviewed:: Thank you soo much!!! 


	8. Endless Regrets

Author's Notes: Double Update to make up for yesterday's lack of an update and then i'm going to bed.. Enjoy!!! And please please please review!!  
  
The silence is deafening, engulfing me in its eerie sounds, nothing is moving, everything is quiet, an unsettling quiet, my stomach does flips, as I watch her. Her hair falls carelessly in her face, she makes no effort to push it out, her body quivers, as quiet sobs escape her restless body. I reach for the door, trying as best as I can, to softly open the ajar door, despite my best efforts, a squeak escapes from the hinges. Cringing, I enter the condo a little less graceful then planned. She jerks around to look at me, "I don't regret anything." The darkness surrounds us, unable to see I walk closer to her small form. She turns her face away from me, unable to look at me, afraid of what I may do. I move closer to her, reaching my hand out, I tracing small patterns on her tear stained cheeks, the moistness rubbing off on my fingers, she sniffles softly, her eyes wander up, I watch her, as she watches me. I Sit down on the arm of the couch, she rests her body against mine. "He's an idiot." I can hear a bitter laugh, her hand goes up to her cheek, wiping away the fallen tears. "You didn't think so a year ago." She's got me there. She uses her hands to push off the couch and stands in front of me. "Why are you here?" She says quietly, but firmly.  
  
"I didn't think you'd want to be alone after that." I reach up, my fingers playing with her hair, her hand goes out grabbing mine, forcing it upon her delicate skin. "You broke my heart."  
  
"You broke mine." I counter, she holds my hand to her cheek, a simple sigh escaping her lips. I lean forward and ever so slightly, meeting her lips halfway. I part my lips, awaiting, wanting entrance. She hesitates, resting her lips upon mine. "I can't." She pulls away, our eyes meet, the dark haze falling on us, ripping us apart. "I know." I reply softly, I again move my face towards hers, this time she stays still, waiting, expecting. My grasp on her cheeks tightens and I bring her close to me, tracing gentle kisses along her cheek bone, an aggravated noise departs from her. "John-" Her hands play in my hair, I make my way up to her mouth, again, we kiss, more passionate then the last times. Her mouth opens allowing me to enter, I oblige as she pulls me closer to her, her hands running under my shirt, running over every inch of my chest. I fiddle with the buttons on her blouse, trying to be gentle, she removes my hands from her chest with her own, quickly removing the shirt from her body. My hands roaming to her breasts, I let my fingers linger for a moment, before reaching behind and in a single snap undoing the bra. We part our lips for a second as the bra falls to the floor, our eyes meet again, realising the wrong, realising what we are actually doing. She takes my hand in hers interlacing our fingers, leading me to the bedroom, the one place, the sacred place, shared between her and Zach, her hands fall to my pants, playing with the belt buckle and slowly undoing it, I watch as she expertly removes my clothes, stripping me, I am now vulnerable, open, everything is on the table for the world to see, I am hers. I step out of my pants as she pulls my shirt over my head tossing it onto the floor, her hands glide all over my stomach, we stand in dark silence, preparing ourselves for a night that will wreck us.   
  
"Abby-" I lift her chin up, tearing her away from my chest.  
  
"Don't." She reaches up again, our lips touching, she pulls away slightly. "Just- don't." I nod, obeying her one request. My arms circle her tiny waist, as we meet for another kiss. Her taste on my lips, I slowly guide her towards the bed, laying her down, I hover over her she wraps her arms around my neck pulling me in for a kiss, she then plants kiss on my neck, she is going hard, sucking, biting, anything she can think of. Her anger taking over, shoving me down on the bed, she forces her self on top of me. She reaches down, the stirring in my pants catching her attention. She takes me into her hands, I watch her face as she expertly takes me over, completes me, I moan, closing my eyes, she goes harder, her frustrations showing. Her other hand carelessly runs through my hair, as her lips meet mine. Engaging us in one of many kisses tonight. I am close, at my peak when she pulls away, leaving me hanging. She is taking out her anger for me in a sexual way, what a conniving bitch. She stares at me, an evil smile spread across her face as she roughly kisses me. She climbs on top of me. I undo her belt and push her pants down. I reach down moving her underwear out of the way, pushing it off of her, she helps me out, freeing us both of the panty burden. I slowly feel her, teasing her, making her beg for more, she moans quietly, as I continue to massage her, knowing her exact spots, she pulls me in for another kiss, knowing I am the one in control, she tries to lead me into her, I push her away,   
  
"John-" She moans frustrated. "Shhh." I whisper into her ear. Her hand falls upon my chest, hitting me in the process, She is close, closer then I was. She can't take it anymore. I move my hand away, what goes around comes around. She pulls away from our kiss, locking our eyes. I nod in agreement, as she slowly lowers her body onto mine, I roll her over on to her back, she reluctantly agrees. Her control over me lost, Her hands run up and down my back, the first thrusts slow, taunting, teasing, leaving us both wanting more, our pace quickens until we have eased ourselves into a rhythm, she moans, leaning in for our lips to meet, she opens her mouth, our tongues pounding up against one another, mimicking our pelvic thrusts. I am close, so is she, a small moan comes from me, she follows suit, soon our cries are filling the apartment, I wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly as I climax. She screams out in pleasure, our bodies collapsing together. She lays her head on my chest. I run my fingers through her hair, the way I use too, she loved it when I did this. Our bodies stayed intertwined, neither of us moving for a few seconds, she slowly climbs off me, freeing us of our bond. She rolls over onto her side, I spoon her from behind. Our hearts in sync with each other. Breathing heavily, I plant small kisses along the back of her neck. She runs her finger nails along my arms, causing a shiver to go through me. "I-" I try to speak again, nothing can ruin this moment, but words. She knows this.   
  
"Tomorrow." She sighs quietly, her head nestling into my back. "Tomorrow baby, tomorrow."   
  
"Do you regret it?" I whisper into her ear.  
  
"I will tomorrow." She sighs dejectedly.  
  
"No- Us." I clarify for her. She slowly turns her body so she can face me, the room still dark, but I am able to read her every _expression. "Not a second."   
  
She turns around again, our naked bodies stuck together, her hair thrown my face, I am enjoying every moment of this, the smell of her, the feel of her body against mine. I know I can never have this moment again, after this all is lost. I hold her tighter to me, not wanting to loose this, tomorrow I will not want any of this to have happened, but for tonight, for now, it was inevitable, fate. The uncontrollable, the unstoppable, something no one else will understand, something I don't even understand, something I don't want to understand. I am here with her now, and as much as that may rip me apart in the future, its perfect. 


	9. Storming Destinies

I wake up in a daze, I have no clue what's going on around me, or where I am. It takes me a few moments to register my surroundings. I hear gentle breathing behind me, my naked body warmed by another. I shiver a bit, the inevitable ahead of me. I look behind me, I had never missed Zach as much as I do right now. But its not him. I knew it wouldn't be him. He left to the beach house, after telling me he would love me through the worst. I would consider this to be on that list of worst. I feel so filthy and immoral just lying here, I've broken the one main rule, never reminisce. I move out from under his grasp, taking a shirt from the floor and putting it on. I'm ashamed of myself, I don't want him to see me. I walk into the bathroom, turning the shower on.   
  
Maybe I can wash away everything, the sent of him, the feel of him. I can get rid of everything he ever did to me with water. It cleanses even the worst away, why can't it clean me of these pains? I can't even look into the mirror. I know who I will see staring back at me, a person I detest. I'm a cheater, a liar, a deceiver. I want to smash the glass in front of me just so I never have to look at myself again. I pull off the shirt, stepping into the steaming water. It's hot, too hot for my skin, it burns. It feels good for that once brief second, I'm focusing on the physical pain instead of the mental pain. I take the sponge and lather it, running it over and over my arms and shoulders, legs and stomach. It's not coming off. His scent is forever laced within my skin. It's a haunting smell, so evil. Just like I am. I whip the sponge towards the wall. Damnit. The water pounds against my chest, turning everything a light shade of red. The tears I've been refusing to shed start to pile up again. I let them fall. I'm alone, I will forever be alone, and these tears are the only good memories I may have. My body starts to fail me, curling up on the floor under the mist of pounding water. What has happened to me? Only two days ago I could have delt with anything. Now I can't bring myself to get out of the house. I let the water run over my head, trying to rid my hair of his touch.   
  
The water stops having its effect, I still feel dirty. I turn off the facet, dragging my body out of the metal tub. The room is filled with steam, blocking the mirror, a sense of relief. I dry my hair with a towel, taking a clip and pushing it up. It won't dry, but that is the least of my worries right now. Zach's robe is hanging on the door, I put it over the towel I tied around myself. His robe is sizes too big and too long, but I don't care. It's a reminder of why I can't let this go any farther. I have to end this ultimate torture for both us. The ultimate regret. It shouldn't have happened. He took advantage of me. I know it will not be that easy with Zach. It takes two to tango. And I never pushed him off or away. Why did it have to happen the way it did? He doesn't want me. He never did. I'm just a good fuck, at least I proved that much to myself. I mean nothing to him. He'll go back, as if nothing happened. He has no responsibilities here. He can leave any time he wants. I don't have that luxury. He is the biggest mistake of my life. And I love to dwell on my mistakes.   
  
I walk out of the bathroom, meeting him a few paces ahead. He looks at me, reaching out his hand to brush the strands of hair that had fallen out of my face. I dodge his touch. I never want to see him again. He manages to ruin everything good in my life, including me. I had never felt so much abhorrence towards a person in my life. I wish he would just leave me, once and for all. It's not fair to keep me stringing alone, forming fake feelings when he feels like it. I'm not a doll he can play with. I walk past him, aiming to get into the bedroom to put some clothes on. He puts his hand on my shoulder, holding on to me. I can't break away from him.   
  
"Abby..."   
  
I try to push him away, he's holding on as if his life depends on it. It doesn't, but my life depends on getting away from him. I finally manage to get him to lighten the grasp, but now I can't get away from him.   
  
"We've.."  
  
I turn around. My heart is pounding. I never realized that this might be hard. Frankly, I hope I hurt him. He deserves to be hurt. He should know better than to intrude on people's lives. I was happy with my life, in love with Zach. Suddenly he showed up and I'm supposed to throw myself in front of him begging for forgiveness? He has a fucking son and a fiancee. He's no better than I am. He's worse. I'll never be able to trust him, I never trusted him to begin with. He lied to me, he left me, he's hurt me. He's not something I want in my life.   
  
" There is no "we". There is just you and me and the biggest mistake of my life."  
  
He looks at me, he's angry. Angry because it's the truth? I'm not lying to him like he lied to me. I'm not going to be there for him or with him. I would not regret these words if they were the last words to him, ever.   
  
"You mean fucking nothing to me."   
  
The sun stopped shining through the windows, shielded by clouds. The world was engulfed for a brief period in utter darkness, a storm on the way.   
  
"You're lying."  
  
I can barely see him, he's standing a few feet away, but I can only imagine the _expression on his face. Is it supposed to give me a feeling of satisfaction? That's all I feel right now, his pain makes mine elevate. I begin to move even farther back, putting multitudes of distance between us.   
  
"What? Like you are to your son?"   
  
He's started to walk towards me, I see his brown eyes shining with tears. What did he expect from me?   
  
"I'm not lying to anyone because I know I love you."   
  
I look at him, he doesn't love me. He doesn't fucking love me. If he loved me he would have come back and tried to talk, he would have done something better than run away. Now he just wants me because I've pulled my life together. What is he now realizing that he lost a great thing? No. I'm stronger than that, I have to make myself believe it. I have to make my believe that there is life after Carter. I've spent months forcing it, and now it suddenly all disappeared.   
  
"Have a nice life, Carter."   
  
I motion him towards the door, a tear dripping down his chin. I have no empathy for him. He deserves everything horrible the world can throw at him.   
  
"So last night meant nothing to you?"   
  
I look him straight in the eyes, no turning back now.   
  
"A waste of time."   
  
I turn around heading towards the bedroom. I need to get dressed. I need to start my routine again. I was ripped out of it for two days and my world is near collapse. I lock the door behind me, looking at the room where Zach and I made love. Carter and I just had meaningless sex. The room has been desecrated, nothing will ever change that. I pull out a shirt and a pair of sweat pants from the closet. I pull them on quickly, not wanting to be left naked and vulnerable for another minute longer. I look at the bed, the tangled sheets screaming of confusion and demoralization. I pull them off, throwing them on a pile. The first evidence has to be destroyed. Yet I know I'm going to have to tell Zach. There is no avoiding it. I'm just terrified that he's going to leave. I want myself to believe that I'm impartial. But I'm not. I push the sheets together, pulling out a new set from the bottom dresser. I place it on the bed. I"ll put it on later. I gather the sheets on the floor. They hold the scent of us. I can't even be near them. They make me sick to my stomach. I leave them in the room, kicked to the corner. I walk out, the condo empty. He's left. I thank god silently that he left. I doubt I would be able to deal with him. I look up just in time to see the door swing open, then slam shut.   
  
"You want to tell me what the hell is going on?"   
  
I walk towards him, taking his hand and leading him towards the sofa. This is going to be harder than delivering the worst news to a family.   
  
"We need to talk."  
  
He looks at me, I don't know what to make of his _expression. I'm biting on my bottom lip, shedding blood because I can taste it inside my mouth. The tears swell up in my eyes again. It's ineludible. I'm going to cause him pain. He grabs my hand and intertwines his finger in mine. I should savor this moment because it will probably be my last with him.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
He looks out the window at the violent rain pounding against the tall windows. The sky is a deep, dark black with the end of the storm no where in sight. He knows, he knows very well. I'm waiting for him to tell me to leave.   
  
"Why?"   
  
I had never thought about it. I kept on blaming him and myself. I kept on questioning why it happened, but I never asked myself why I even let him in. Why I pulled him towards the bedroom. Why I let him violate me, rape me, betray me. I shrug my shoulder, a sign for the tears to come, more fierce than the rain outside.   
  
"Zach..."   
  
I pull his limp figure closer towards me, he wraps his arms around me, pulling my head into his lap. I've never hurt so much in my life.   
  
"Don't apologize. I don't want to hear it."   
  
I look out and watch the lighting crack and thunder roar. The height of the storm will soon be here. 


	10. Loosing Control

Authors' notes:: Blame me blame me.. I've had the longest most horrible weekend just everything and blah and I'm so sorry for the lack of updates... Please please please forgive me!! I'm posting three tonight and then well tomorrow if my day gets any worse.. and well I'm done with the misery talk... Here's the next chapter... It's Kat's.. that's your warning!! Have fun, and please review!!! Pretty pretty please!?!?! We live for reviews, you guys know that!!  
  
~*~  
  
I quietly shut the door behind me, leaving the life I once knew, the girl I love, our lives will forever be intertwined, we shared something special. Though she may not admit it now, or ever. What we had, in that bedroom last night, what we had a year ago, it meant something. It was real, it was love. Neither of us will ever have that again, not with each other, not with anyone else, that may be for the better, but I will miss it. I will miss the feeling, the comfort, the suspense, everything. I look at the day that lies before me, clouds blanket the sky, sending chills through me, I immediately recognize the pathetic fallacy that is my life. I feel like the weather represents my moods, and today would be a prime example. I take a deep breath heading out into the storm to be. I walk down the cement steps, my feet smacking hard against the cement, I can see a figure get out of a car ahead of me. I suddenly wish I had brought my jeep instead of taking the L. The figure walks towards me, hate written all over his face, he knows. He knows exactly what happened, and I wouldn't be surprised if he ploughed his fist into my face, taking out his every hate on me. "What the fuck are you doing at my condo?" His pace quickens, he is mere feet in front of me, fists resting by his side, clenched into balls, knuckles turning white. "What the fuck did you do to her?" His eyes glued to me, watching my every move, I am daring to take the cowards way out, run away from here. I can't. I love her, she loves me, someone has to fight for that love. He approaches me. "I thought I told you to leave my girlfriend alone." His teeth clenched, his jaw tight.   
  
"Abby can make her own decision." I spit back, using her first name, not giving him the pleasure of calling her his girlfriend. "Fuck you." He hollers back. "You fucking asshole," his hands are now on my shoulders shoving me into a wall, I push back, trying to protect myself from the maniac that stands before me, thrashing my body into the hard wall. "You fucked her didn't you?" He holds me still against the wall, watching my facial expressions, my hands go up trying to pry his off of my coat. "Fucking tell me." He pushes me into the wall, as though he is trying to push me through the wall. "You don't want to know." I answer sullenly. He slowly releases me from his grip, not moving, he stares at the ground, her strewn across his face, pain invading his eyes. He is painfully aware of what went on between Abby and I last night, he is painfully aware of where it took place too. Suddenly his fist comes up smashing into my jaw, I stumble back, my hand goes up rubbing the now swelling area on my face. "Feel better." I ask sarcastically.   
  
"I catch you near Abby again, I will find you and fucking kill you." He stands in front of me watching as I stare at him. Not believing what he is saying, or not taking it as a threat. "I will do what I want, as will she." I say in a tone that I shouldn't be using around the man whose girlfriend I just fucked. "You little fucker." He runs towards me ramming me into the wall repeatedly screaming out in hate and anger. I don't fight back, I have him exactly where I want him. I fall to the ground after the fifth smash or so, he hovers over me, watching me, hating me. He slowly turns away, leaving me with misery, and guilt. Newly arrived guilt. I feel sorry for this man, I didn't seconds ago, I do know. I know what its like to loose Abby, to go on and act like your heart is not in pieces, that you are fine. Its an impossible task, one that haunted me, bringing me back here to face her, to feel her, to take her in my arms, hold her, feel myself inside her. I sit on the cool ground, blood trickling down my back, I feel my shirt sticking to my sweaty bloody body, I am sure how hurt I am, it could be minor scratches, or wounds in need of stitches. I manage to lift up my hands running them through my messy hair. I look up at the window in their condo, the light is on, I can't see any movements, it is peaceful. Everything is at peace. I slowly rise to my feet inspecting the parts of my body I can see. I have a shift today, hell I could be late for my shift, I don't even know what time it is. I start on my walk to the hospital, I have no where else to go, I am alone in this world, even when I am with Kem I am still alone. All alone. My back hurts, the rough cement caused tiny cat scratches at the least. I rub my hand along the outside of my shirt, trying to sooth the pain. A numb feeling overcomes me, taking away all the physical pain and bringing in the lost feeling. I don't know what I want out of life anymore, everything I once knew is now diminished, thrown into the wind carelessly, by the heartbreaker herself. I feel nothing, but numbness. I am officially emotionless, not knowing what to do, or how to feel. Everything I learned, the stories Gamma would tell me, about my princess, the girl that would love me. Who would accept me for who I am, which to Gamma was a perfect little boy. Not only have I let myself down I have let my Gamma down.   
  
The train pulls up the stop, I walk on with the bustle of people, everyone going somewhere, not taking a moment to step back and take a look. Take a look at the things they have, or what they don't have, or even what they had, what they had but thought they didn't need anymore. So they threw it away for someone else to scoop up and make it their own. Sometimes we spend so much time looking for what is missing in our lives, not realizing it could be right in front of us. We turn a blind eye, wanting more, searching for more, not knowing the more could be within ourselves. We push people away, in the process pushing a part of ourselves away, I did that. I pushed her away, she didn't know when to push back, so she left, she hurt me, I hurt her. Now all that is left of our relationship, is four broken hearts. Four wrecked souls. Maybe if we had just learned to love each other for who we are, learned to accept the fact that no one is perfect then things could be different. But nothing in life is that cut and dry, nothing is that simple, or perfect. To love you must loose. Now that I have lost, I realized that maybe I never had to loose, maybe I could have just loved all along. Like I said, nothing is that simple. The train comes to a screeching halt, I get up out of my seat swaying with the rhythm of the train, I stand up watching as the people file out, following the last person, I make my way onto the platform slowly walking down the stairs onto the hard asphalt, the snow residue filling the soles of my worn out work shoes. Ambulance sirens fill the air, as the rain makes it way down onto me, I don't care, I don't care about anything anymore, I have forgotten how to care. I walk through the hospital doors, no one notices as I make way to the lounge, I push in, taking a seat on the couch. I lean my head against the sofa, heaving a deep sigh. "We need another set of-" Susan stops mid sentence, I lean my head forward looking at her stunned _expression. "Oh my god, Carter what happened to you?" Is the mark on the side of my face really that obvious? "Who did this to you?" I shrug, getting up from my resting spot, she looks astonished, her mouth open watching as I walk towards the fridge to get something to drink. "Carter your back, there is blood all over your shirt!" She runs over to my side lifting up my shirt and looking at my scraped up back. "I'm okay Susan really." I push her away, but not before she can grab my arm and drag me out of the lounge. "I'll check you out." She insists. I shrug her hand off my shoulder, following her into the empty exam room. I pass by the board on the way noticing Abby's name is written on it. She is on about two hours. Maybe she will call in sick, I don't want her to get pleasure out of my pain, that is the last thing I need. I sit down on the edge of the bed, Susan standing over me frowning. "Someone really roughed you up." She runs her finger over my bruise, I cringe at her touch. She holds my face still trying to get a better look at the mark on my face. "How many times were you hit?"  
  
"I really don't know Susan." I sigh, not wanting to be checked out. I still have an hour or so till my shift, I could be sleeping of my beating. "Carter, you should really report this." She helps me get my shirt off so she can take a proper look at my back. "You have bruising all over your back." She looks frustrated with my inability to care.   
  
"I'm fine Susan. Really." I stand up, grabbing for my shirt that she has a firm grip on. "Just leave me alone. Thank for caring, but I am okay." I say exasperated. She shakes her head, not releasing her grip on my shirt. "Susan." I say through a clenched jaw.   
  
"Look you don't have to report it, but at least let me finish examining you." She looks at me with pleading eyes, and I get back onto the bed. I can feel her poke at my bruise, and sigh a few times. "Well-" She starts I stand up putting my shirt back on.  
  
"Your back is going to be okay, you are going to be in pain for a few days, but if you put ice on it, it could stop the swelling. You fractured your cheek bone though." She finishes off, it doesn't surprise me. "I can give you something for it."  
  
"Nah, I'll just bite the bullet and deal with it." I say pulling a scrub top, she grabbed for me on. "Okay." She watches as I flatten out the top, "Carter, are you okay?"   
  
"I told you Susan-" I say a bit aggravated.  
  
"No, I mean is someone after you? Trying to hurt you?" She seems genuinely concerned, I smile at this, finding it quite sweet. "Really. I am fine." I walk out of the exam room, and back into the lounge to get some sleep before I get thrown into the havoc, that is County General. 


	11. Reiterated Promises

Author's Notes:: Please please please Review!!!   
  
I look at the clock ticking the minutes of my pitiful existence away. I'm supposed to start my shift in another half hour, but I doubt that is going to happen. We haven't actually said a word to each other. He's just silently hiding all the pain he feels. I don't know how he found out, and I do not want to know. I just wish that he could somehow forgive me and we could move on. It seems like an impossibility right now, but I care so much for this man. More than I have ever for anyone else. I want this to work out. Before I was debating whether we could be together, whether we would be able to work out. And now I know we could have, if I hadn't fucked everything up. He comes back giving me a look, I shiver every time I think about what I have done to him. He sits down across from me, he distances himself every few minutes. The distance isn't going to make the pain lessen, believe me, I've tried.   
  
"Zach?"   
  
My voice is barely audible. I don't know what he thinks of me anymore. I'm scared to find out the truth, terrified to let the realization that I'm alone again echo through my mind.   
  
"What do you want from me?"  
  
He's furious. I've never heard him use this tone before. I scares me a bit.   
  
"I never meant for it to happen."  
  
He gives me a sarcastic smile, hiding all the emotions behind his blue-grey eyes. I don't think I've moved from the same spot on the sofa all day. I'm afraid that I make one wrong move it will be the end. So I sit silently and await condemnation.   
  
"So I"m supposed to forgive you and pretend it never happened?"  
  
I look down at the creme colored carpet floor. I blame myself. It's all my fault. It's always all my fault. I shouldn't have given in. I should have pushed him away. I still can't figure out why though. He seems to have a magnetic force that pulls me towards him, and no matter how hard I try, it never lets go. My life had been easy before, and suddenly it turned so complicated. Maybe that's why it happened. My life was too easy, it wasn't fair to the rest of the world. I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm a three year old being scolded for breaking a toy. A scolding wouldn't be so bad, because I know he would be doing it out of love. This is far from love, this is a broken love, and nothing will ever be able to fix it completely. I get up, slowly walking towards him. I sit down on the floor in front of him, kneeling down on my feet. I take his hands, which he reluctantly gives me. I cradle them with my own.   
  
"Zach. I don't understand what happened. I don't want to make up excuses to give you. You mean..."  
  
I take a deep breath, he's looking at me, but its far from over.   
  
"You mean the world to me. It took a stupid mistake to realize I could loose you. I love you..."   
  
He leans back into the sofa, rolling his eyes at me.   
  
"Same thing you said to him right?"  
  
Goddamn it. I swear I had cried all the tears I had left before. They keep on coming back. I had never felt the twinge of rejection as much as I did at that moment. I let his hands go, covering my face with them, not letting him see me cry. I bury my head into my lap. I can't keep doing this. I just can't keep doing this. I need to break away, move somewhere far where no one knows me and I can fashion a new life. Something small and simple. I want this hell to be over. I can't breath, my tears overbear my breathing, leaving me gasping for air. Slowly crying myself to death isn't a bad way to go. I feel my body shaking in-between coughs. I'm mentally dead, the only thing that keeps me going is this still-beating heart. I feel his hands skim over my body, testing territory. My body is soon lifted, safe and protected in his arms again. I cherish the moment because I have a feeling it will be my last. I feel him set me down on soft leather, the sofa. He sits down a few inches away, running his fingers over my face. He's teasing me, letting me know what a good thing I had. He pulls me in closer towards him, I can feel his labored breathing. I can't bring myself to look at him. I want to remember the good times, not the bad, especially not right now.   
  
"Hey... Hey... We've been through worse right? It'll take time.. We're gonna be okay..."  
  
I close my eyes, digging my head into his chest, letting him hold me. I just want to be held, nothing more. I love this man. I never realized it until right now. He's everything I want and need. He still kept me, still loved me after a place where many would have left. I don't know why I went searching for more when the best thing was right in front of me all the while. I start to breath normally again, the coughing suppressed. I look at him, his eyes sparkle with newly-shed tears. I wrap my arms around his neck, bringing my lips up near his ear.   
  
"I"m so sorry... I love you.. Please... You're the only good thing in my life... I really need something to hold on to..."  
  
He holds me even tighter, this feels so right.   
  
"I'm not going anywhere, I promise."  
  
Promises have been made before, and have been broken before. I have a feeling that this promise will stay true. He'd do anything for me, I know as much. I never knew what being loved felt like, but now I know. I know that Carter could never make me feel this way. Maybe before, but not now. He's a scar upon me, a meaningless time. He broke every single promise he ever made, ran away when I needed him most, he didn't let me in, didn't let me need him. I need to forget him. I always go back to thinking of him, as if he's a comparison to everyone else I've ever been with. No. I need to stop. I rest in Zach's arms for a few minutes longer.   
  
"Can we talk tonight?"  
  
He looks at me, nodding his head.   
  
"I'd like that."  
  
I kiss him on the cheek, he forces a smile. It's going to take time, I know that. I doubt he will ever fully trust me again. I don't care as long as I still have him in my life. If I didn't, I would probably be somewhere on the cold ceramic bathroom floor, sick to my stomach from wanting to drink the memories away. I'm strong than that now. I can move on without it. And without him. I force myself away from him. I'm already an hour late for my shift. I walk into the bathroom, splashing cold water across my face to get rid of the redness across my cheeks. I shouldn't go in today. I could probably kill someone with my hands still shaking like they are. I can't stay home either. He needs his time apart from me. I don't blame him. I take my purse and keys, and head out the door. Zach is oblivious to my leaving. I hope to god it will get better.   
  
The ride to the hospital on the L seems faster than I remember it. Maybe because I'm behind rush hour. I get to the ambulance bay and Susan is standing out. I walk up closer to her and she's fidgeting, moving from one foot to the other.   
  
"Your late."  
  
She snaps the comment at me, I bite my bottom lip. I don't know what's wrong, so I'm not going to say anything to her just yet. She usually doesn't snap at people, or yell at them for an reason.   
  
"Susan? Are you okay?"   
  
She nods her head, but I know something is wrong. I need to push and pry a bit with her.   
  
"Susan... Come on? What are friends for?"  
  
She shrugs her shoulders, I think I've just gained access.   
  
"It's Carter."  
  
I restrain myself from wishing him dead, and roll my eyes instead. She shoots me a dirty look, and I stop.   
  
"What happened? He break your heart?"  
  
She gives me another look, I'm trying to cheer her up. It's not working. It can't be that serious because the altar hasn't been set up, and I don't see millions of devoted fans lining up outside the bay doors holding a candlelight vigil.   
  
"He has a broken cheekbone along with some cuts and bruises."  
  
I take a deep breathe. My heart is suddenly pounding.   
  
"But he's okay right?"  
  
She nods her head.   
  
"Physically he's okay. I'm just worried about him."  
  
I take a deep breath, wishing I had stayed home more every second. The ambulance sirens are heard as the pull up in front of us. Susan takes the trauma, and I head in after her, to drop off my purse and get to work. I wonder what happened to Carter. Not that I care. He deserved it. I wonder what kind of predicament he got himself into. I walk into the lounge, and straight into him. I stop breathing for a short while, the tension evident, along with the fear and frustration. I can't stop looking at him. He looks like a different person, the bruises upon his face, the scratches along his whole body. I reach up to his face, a cut that is still bleeding. He cringes at my touch, moving back. We're centimeters apart, but it seems like we're much closer than that. He looks at me one last time before pushing past me. I squint my eyes, deciding if I should go after him or not. I pull the door open just in time to see his figure take a right into the drug lockup. I follow him.   
  
"Carter, let me suture that cut."  
  
He looks at me, as if he knows something that I don't.   
  
"I"ll have Susan do it."  
  
I grab a suture kit from the cart in front of me. I hate him, but I somehow feel responsible for this.   
  
"She's in trauma."  
  
He gives me a look of defeat and follows me into the back room. I hadn't planned on having to do this. I hadn't planned for the awkward silence and the bitter stares. I hadn't wanted the storm to die out so painfully and destructively. I see him flinch as I run the needle through his skin. He refused narcotics for the pain, and I can't numb with anything else. My eyes meet him, so completely aware of the truths we're both hiding from each other. The destructive forces that haven't been seen yet. The worst of it all is still yet to come. I see so much in those brown eyes, as if my soul is being reflected back at me through them. This isn't what I want to feel. I have no control. I want to hate and despise him. Yet all I can do is fall deeper and deeper into his simple essence. 


	12. Decisions Made

Author's notes:: Warning, Kat's chapter. Please Review!! :o) I'm shutting up now. No more torture from the author's notes.  
  
~*~  
  
Our eyes are locked, the world seems to have stopped, her fingers linger on my face as she watches my every move. I want so badly to lean forward, to kiss her, to hold her in my arms. I can't, its to much to ask, to many repercussions, this all I can ask for, this simple moment, a moment that means so much to me. "What happened?" Her voice is barley audible, her lips slightly moving. I don't reply, I don't how, do I tell the truth? Dig up all the dirt, remind her once again that I am the one who ended her perfect relationship, the cause of all her problems. She looks at me expectantly, hoping I will tell her the truth. I swallow, my throat burning from my beating, my whole body still aching. But having her so close, mere inches away is enough to numb the pain. "John." She whispers, She moves her head to the side a little, causing her hair to brush up against my face. "Zach did it, he hit you didn't he?" She closes her eyes, I can see this is probably something she didn't need to know. I would have though this would make her happy. That this is something she wanted. "Abby." I sigh, I lean my head in closer to her, her eyes open slightly watching as my lips slowly make their way to her cheek, I brush up against her taking in the scent of her, the feel of her skin against my lips. "Its okay." I whisper into her ear, she puts the needle down enclosing her arms around my neck, bringing us into a warm embrace. Tilting her head to the side, our lips meet and ever so slightly my mouth opens, I feel a warm tear trickle down her face, falling upon my lips, I pull away, watching as the tears fall down her face, my hands make their way from her waist to her face, wiping away the fallen drops. "Its okay. You're with him, stay with him." I say tilting her chin up, she nods pulling away from me. "Yeah, he's the one I need, the one I love, you're- you are just like a drug, something I don't need, something that can only hurt me. Yet for some reason I keep coming back to you." A bitter laugh escapes from her. "And- and I don't know why. The more I try to push you away, the more I need you. Who would of thought that I would ever need you, but I do, I'm hooked. I just need to get away, that's really what I need. I can't though, but you- you can." I watch her as she frantically babbles on. She stops looking at me, her hands done their flapping and now resting shakily at her side. "If that's what you want-" I swallow hard, knowing that I too need space, she is my drug, I got past my other addictions I can do the same for her. "I want it." She says firmly, approaching me again, I watch as she picks up the suturing where she left off the needle digging into my skin, just adding to the pain I feel right now. I wince as she lightly touched my cheek, I can't be near her anymore, this is what she does to me. She sutures in silence, an uncomfortable silence. "Is this what you want?" I ask out of no where, catching her off guard. "What?" She asks quizzically.  
  
"Zach, is he what you want?" She looks stunned staring at me unbelievably.   
  
"Yeah. Of course, you know that. Jesus John. Its over, I don't know what is over, because we haven't had anything in over a year, we are threw okay, whatever little thing you made up in your mind about us, end it. End it now. Because its not possible." She drops the needle on the table and leaves the room, maybe she is right, we don't need each other. I pull myself off of the bed, walking out into the admit desk area, where she is currently rifling threw charts. "Abby-" Weaver screeches from behind me, I look over my shoulder and watch as she approaches Abby angrily, she glances at me, then back at Abby. "You were late." Weave screeches.   
  
"Yeah, I'm sorry Dr. Weaver, but my boyfriend and I just had a falling-"  
  
"No." Weaver hollers, "I don't care about what happens at home, I want you here when your shift starts. You building could be burning down and I still won't care." Kerry bitches at Abby, as I make my way behind them to look at the chart, Weaver whips around looking at me. "And you. What the hell happened? You look like hell."  
  
"Thanks for the compliment Kerry." I sass, she rolls her eyes at me, turning back to Abby, giving her an evil stare then back at me. "I don't know what the hell is going on in your private lives, but once it starts to effect your work it becomes my problem too, and as much as I'd hate for that to happen it unfortunately has, Abby your on my list, Carter get your ass in the lounge." She limps off to the lounge as I follow looking quickly at Abby.   
  
I push the door to the lounge open, Weaver is at the coffee machine, "what the hell happened to you?" She spits at me.  
  
"Uh- just a little out of work confrontation." I scratch the back of my head, watching as she pours herself a cup of coffee. "Yeah well, are you okay?" Her face is a little bit softer then earlier. "Yeah, I'm fine." She nods, leaving the lounge, I follow her out, seeing a person I hoped I would never see again on the way to admit. "Excuse me-" He asks Kerry, completely avoiding me, Kerry ignores him walking off towards the elevator. I make my way around the desk, as Frank plays around on the computer, moving away from Zach, that man really likes avoiding doing his job. I walk over to Zach attempting to be polite, "she's in with a patient." I grab a chart flipping through it, trying my best to look inconspicuous, but failing miserably. "Don't fucking talk to me." He spits under his breath, our eyes meet briefly, I am glad he doesn't know about our exam room encounter, as small as it was, I'm sure it would be enough to send him flying over the counter and rip my heart from my chest. "Carter-" I look behind me, Frank holds out the phone looking annoyed. "What?" I ask tiredly, I can still feel Zach eyes bore through me.   
  
"Your girlfriend is on the phone. Something about your son- I don't know or care." I turn around, Zach laughs bitterly, "Unfucking believable." He mutters, I guess he was not aware I had Kem and Kassim. "Hey." I say into the phone, trying to sound nonchalant, he stares at me as I talk to Kem. "How are you?" She asks in her accented voice.   
  
"Good. I miss you." I can tell by her voice that she is smiling through the phone.  
  
"I miss you too, when are you coming home?" She sighs tiredly, I know she misses me, but she has yet to know about my escapade last night, I don't know if she would react in the same manner as Zach did, but I do know that she will be hurt. "Soon." Silence fills the phone as we listen to each other breath. "I miss you John, please come home soon." She begs, "Kassim misses you too." I look around the hospital, seeing Abby depart from a nearby exam room, she catches Zach's eye too, causing him to remove his watchful eye from me and rush over to her side. I watch as he hands her, her cell phone, explaining something to her, I am not very good at lip reading, but I manage to pick up that he got called into work and that they will talk tomorrow. He asks her if she is okay. His eyes drift over to me, knowing I am watching, I look down immediately. "Anyways baby, I have got to go. I will call you tonight."   
  
"Love you John."   
  
"Yeah you too." I hang up the phone, turning back to watching Abby and Zach interact as my heart slowly breaks. I don't know why I am suddenly hooked on her again, it has been so long, maybe because she has proven herself to be the women I have always wanted, how come she can be that for someone else and not me? Does Zach fulfill her in a way that I can not? He pulls her into a hug, I can tell he has yet to forgive her for audultry, but he will try, even if it is just to spite me. Two days ago I didn't even know this guys name, now he is my arch nemesis or at least I am his. I know that once I go back to Africa, upon Abby's request, I will no longer think of Abby or Zach, out of sight, out of mind. But while I am here, they are all I seem to be thinking about. Zach turns around walking out of the hospital, he turns around once more to smile at a beaming Abby, I have no clue what he aid to her, but he mad her happy, when all I seem to do is make her miserable. Kerry walks by me once more, and I decide to follow. "Kerry." I call chasing after her, drawing the attention of many patients. "John, what can I do for you?" She stops looking at me somewhat annoyed, "I am going back to Africa sooner then expected." I say breathlessly.  
  
"When?" She starts to walk again, making me follow her. I am not sure, when would be the soonest I could go, tomorrow probably. "Uh tomorrow." She stops dead in her tracks.  
  
"John- You were suppose to be here for two more weeks at least." She looks pissed, can I blame her. No, the only person to blame is myself. "I'm sorry, but there is a problem back home that I need to take care of." I fib, she nods understanding somewhat. Since Henry was born she seems to be a little more understanding with family matters. "Okay, fine. Call when you are coming back." I watch as she walks away, is this really a good idea? Well it is for the best. 


	13. Forbidden Connections

Author's Notes: Please review cause Kat yells at me more if I don't post so if we get a few reviews maybe she'll lighten up on me... ;o)  
  
~*~  
  
I walk into the lounge, ready to grab a cup of coffee before I start working on my charts. I have a few to do, and I don't want to fall behind. It's been too long of a day so far. Way too many patients. What is up with the crazy patients and full moons? It's scary at times. I feel the door swing shut behind me and I balance my cup on top of my charts. I place them on the table and look up to see Carter clearing his locker. What the hell is he doing? Remodeling or something? I walk over to the coffee machine and pour myself a cup. It tastes like crap but I'm tired. I still have about an hour left and then Zach is taking me out somewhere. I don't know what he has planned. Either we're going to talk, or he's going to kill me and throw my body into lake Michigan. I'd prefer the latter at this time. He looks at me, I concentrate on stirring my sugar and cream into my cup. This isn't right. He's not right. I feel his eyes peel off me, and I walk towards the table and sit down. I hear him throwing things into a bag, ripping pictures off his locker door. I don't exactly know what's going on. I'm getting a feeling that this is only for the best. I take my first chart from the pile, a baby boy with an ear infection. He was discharged a few minutes ago. I picture is thrown onto my paper. I pick it up, the picture I had given back to him. He had kept it. I run my fingers over it, making the fingerprints even worse. I don't care. One way or another it's going to be ripped up and thrown away. It's just a painful reminder of what he had before and will never have again. I put it back down on the table, pushing it away from me. I look down at my papers, but my eyes follow him. I can't help it. I watch him clear out the reminders of his days here, of the friendships, of us. It's a slow process, even more so considering he's been here the longest. He's leaving. I can figure that much out for myself. It's a good thing, for both of us. Zach and I can get back to our normal lives, the way it used to be. Some things I will never forget, the bad things. I'm the complete opposite. I remember the bad times and forget the good times. It helps me dull the pain.   
  
"You're leaving again, aren't you?"  
  
He doesn't look at me, he keeps on clearing his locker.   
  
"It's what you wanted. I only want to make you happy."  
  
I look back down at the chart, I can't bring myself to face him any longer.   
  
"When will you be back?"   
  
He slams his locker door angrily, making me jump for a second.   
  
"Never."   
  
He walks out the door, I have a sudden urge to run after him and say something. Of course I don't know what that something would be but my mind could figure it out under pressure. But I don't go after him. I sit at the desk, staring at the picture in front of me. I'm no better than I was before. The ideal life I planned out for myself is a big lie. I'll never have a perfect life. Something will always be pulling me down. I take the picture, heading towards the trash. I can't keep doing this to myself. It took as much force to let it fall into the black bin as it had to push him away the first night I saw him. I feel the brush of air as the door swings open and Susan comes in. I trudge back towards my charts. She looks at me, and only gives me a sympathy glace. I don't need sympathy. I don't need her.   
  
"You okay?"   
  
I sit back down, I can't bring myself to concentrate on these charts with everyone coming in and out. I simply roll my eyes at her, and she leaves me alone as she places her coat and bag inside her locker. I finish the first chart, throwing it somewhat violently across the table.   
  
"Why don't you go home?"   
  
I push the charts together into a pile and give her a weak smile.   
  
"Thanks."  
  
I don't wait for her to change her mind. I grab my coat out of my locker along with my purse and head out the door even before she can say bye. I think I'm just going to take a walk. Zach isn't expecting me home for another hour anyway. My feet lead me on a course only they know. The weather is nice, I'm carrying my jacket. The last bits of the sun fade beyond the horizon, casting a darkened glow on the city. I know where I'm headed, I want to push myself away, but I can't. I'm afraid that I'm going to be fall deeper and deeper into this never ending circle, and I will never find a way out. I take the stairs slowly, noticing the cracks and indents in the cement as if this was my last time coming here. It probably is. There is nothing pulling me towards this place but comfort and peace. It also causes agony. You can't have love without the pain. It just doesn't happen, only in fairy tales. I make my way deeper towards "our bench". I don't know when it became ours, but the faded wood forever has our names etched in its deepest layers. I sit down, letting the breeze flutter my hair. I give up on trying to control it. I silently wished he would be here. We used to share a connection, we knew what the other was thinking, but I guess it disappeared. I don't know how I would react either. I want him out of my life for good. But if he leaves, a part of me goes with him. What am I saying? I'm a moron. I have the best thing in front of me right now, and I'm refusing to accept it and acknowledge it. Zach is everything I could ever ask for and more. He's problem-free, devoted, loving, caring. He's the ideal man. I just wish I could make myself happy with him, for him.   
  
I hear footsteps behind me, my heart is racing. I don't know why I'm suddenly so worried. I turn around, a figure is walking in the dull light. He passes quickly, I need to stop lying to myself. I had wished it would be Carter. But it's not and never will be. He's gone with a new life in Africa. I have my new life here. Everything will unravel and work out with time. I pull out my pager and look at the time. I need to be getting home. Zach and I have a lot of talking to do. I put my jacket on, the wind finally getting to me. At least it's not below zero. I start towards the stairs, concentrating on my pager and the three messages I've received. I walk straight into someone, my eyes strain up to see who it is. My heart stops beating. He knew. We still have it, the connection, the attraction, the force. I drop my pager into my pocket, pushing my shaking hands into them as well. I'm not supposed to react this way. It's not fair.   
  
I look away from him, avoiding his gaze. I want to get away from him. I need to get away from him. I start to head around him, but he stops me, standing in my way. I feel his hand reach up and push the hair out of my face. I move a few steps back from his reach, his hand still touching invisible strands. I look at him, I can't give him pity, empathy, or compassion. He deserves none. He moves closer to me, I can feel his warmth breath against my face. This is iniquitous. His arms pull me closer, my ravaged lips meet his, his tongue invading my mouth. As much as I want to leave, I want to stay. My mind is telling me one thing, my heart another. I need control. I know I've already lost it. My tongue battles a forbidden war with his. He gives up in defeat, holding on to the kiss a second longer. He pulls away, his saccharine taste laced upon my lips.   
  
"Good-bye Abby."  
  
He turns away, walking off towards the stairs. My fingers run over my lips, his touch like fire and ice. His silhouette starts the journey up the stairs. I'm rooted in my spot.   
  
Mind over matter doesn't always work.   
  
"Carter."   
  
I see him stop in his tracks, debating whether its real or a fantasy. I'm still debating if any of this is real. He starts walking again.   
  
"John..." 


	14. Deeper Into Unknowns

Author's notes: Warning Kat's Chapter. Please read and review.   
  
~*~  
  
I stop dead in my tracks threatening to turn around. I listen closely, did she actually call me back. Its something I have only dreamt about, never would I have imagined this could happen. Never would I have thought she could reach out in such a way that would render her vulnerable. I turn my body around, she is standing in front of me, pleading eyes, a tired worn out face. But to me she's beautiful. I walk down to her, taking one step at a time. Her hair is falling in front of her eyes, I brush the strands away. "I thought you-" I start, she doesn't let me finish, her mouth goes up to mine, planting a small kiss on my lips. She pulls away, placing a shaking hand onto my shoulder. "I can't hurt him." She whispers, I nod understanding what she is going through, what she feels. She pulls me closer to her, tears on her cheeks, I hug her tightly. Not wanting to ever let her go. "Abby-"  
  
She shakes her head into my chest, indicating that she does not want me to ruin the moment. I squeeze her, leaning down and placing a feather light kiss on her cheek. My lips wander over to her mouth, tracing a line from her cheek to her mouth. My eyes close, as our lips meet, tongues tangle, tasting misery. Tasting what could be the end of our lives as we know it. Her hand slowly trails up under my jacket, pulling my shirt out of its fastened in place. She touches my skin causing me to flinch, the cold on her finger tips causing a shiver down my spine. "We can't do this." She whispers pulling from me. "Not here." My heart jumps down from its recently attained spot in my throat. I take her hand in mine leading her to the only safe spot I know of. We quickly walk towards my truck, I bought one not too long ago. I still have my jeep, but the truck appealed to me in a way the jeep never did. I don't drive it all the time, but tonight it will come in handy. I open the passenger side door for her, driving away from the public area. We drive in silence, she does not ask where we are going and I do not tell her. Conversation can only wreck this moment. Communication is what wrecked us. Was there ever really an us? I don't know, I guess I never will. I do know that right now I have more passion for this women then I have for any other women. I am not sure why this is. Maybe because I can't have her. Technically she is not mine, she is his. How I hate him. My fists clench, turning my knuckles white just thinking about the son of a bitch. I instinctively rub my cheek, the spot he brutalized. I can feel Abby's hand replacing my own on that spot.   
  
"I'm sorry." She whimpers, I reach up and grab her hand placing it in mine. We hold onto each other tightly, afraid that breaking our physical connection will break the emotional connection. I bring my truck to a stop, in a deserted parking lot. One that has not been occupied in years. It is beside a rickety abandoned building. She turns her head to look at me, so many questions, so few answers. I did not bring her here to explain anything, I brought her here for one reason, and one reason only. To feel her one more time. I will never get to again, I need too. I need to feel myself inside her, I need her to feel me inside her. To enjoy it as much as she did the other night. I need the release, the type I can't get with Kem. Kem doesn't know all the phases on John Carter, she only knows the John Carter that she has know. She knows nothing about the journey that I took to become the man I am today. Abby, well she knows it all. She knows all the twists, turns, rough patches, good patches. Everything. I can feel her hand run all over my shoulder, pulling my coat off of me. I pull it back on, jumping out of the truck, she follows suit, following me over to the abandon building. "What is this?" She murmurs. I shake my head, I really don't know. I have no clue what this place is or what it was. I don't know. "Then why are we here?" She pulls on my arm, I turn to her again. "I don't know. I wanted to get away. You know? From everything." I pause licking my lips, "from you, from the city, from the lawyers... everything." She looks puzzled, but continues to listen without interruption. "So I took off, and now look what I have? Nothing. I mean, I have something, I have a son. I could not be more thrilled about it. He is just-" A small smile plays over my lips as I think of Kassim, his mop of dark hair. That smile, he is it, he's my life. "He's your world." She chokes on these words, "I get it John." She walks back to the truck, I run after her, she walks behind the truck to the passenger side, but I stop her before she can get there. My hands placed firmly on her shoulders. "Abby, we-"  
  
"I know." She finishes for me, "I know John." I shake my head, she doesn't know what is going on in my mind. "No you don't. I love you, I- I, I love Kem. You love Zach." She nods her head in agreement, the tears threatening to fall. "We can't be together, I don't think we really want to be together." She says, she's right, up until a day or so ago I had never really thought about her, then all of a sudden... BOOM. She's in my life, turning it upside down. "Okay." I nod in agreement, we watch each other for a few moments, neither knowing what to say next, her hand goes up to my untucked shirt, from her earlier adventures. She roams underneath it, touch my stomach, tracing a pattern. Our eyes remain locked, sharing a moment, a thought, a feeling. Her touch causes the already anxious butterflies in my stomach to flutter around. She slowly makes her way down to my belt, I pull her in closer to me, wanting to feel my body against hers. The April breeze rushes through her hair. Her fingers slowly undo my belt buckle, as our lips meet, sharing a passionate kiss, my mouth opens allowing her tongue to roam. She removes her hand from my belt, up my chest then through my hair. The stirring in my pants, calls her back down as she undoes my pants, I pull myself onto the back of the truck, our lips not parting for a second. I kiss her deeply before letting her go and helping her onto the truck, we lie down on the hard metal, neither of us paying attention to the hard cold metal on our bodies.  
  
She finishes pulling my pants off, I stop her for a second to take my jacket off and lay it under us, I don't mind being cold and waking up in aches and pains, because ultimately that is what I deserve, but she deserves much better, I did this to her. I am wrecking her. She avoids eye contact as she undoes everyone of my shirt buttons, taking time to lick, kiss and suck my chest. My breathing deepens as she slowly makes her way down my chest. I realize that she is just giving not taking, I am surprised she is even doing this, last time she stopped trying to torture me. I bring my hand up under her shirt, I help her shrug off her jacket, her mouth has made it down just above me, my breathing quickens as she makes her way down ever so slowly. She tops pulling herself back up to me, replacing her mouth with her hands, and kissing me passionately. I pull her shirt over her head, exposing her upper half, almost completely. I run my trembling fingers over her stomach, as her pace quickens on me. Suddenly she stops, leaving me hanging. She is torturing me again, she hates me. She hates the things we do together, so do I. But we can't stop, so when we end up in these situations we take our aggressions out in a sexual matter. She begins pumping me again, getting into a rhythm, I pull myself on top of her, I move down to her chest, taking her nipple into my mouth, flicking it with my tongue, a soft moan escapes from her mouth, I can't keep doing this, hurting her, hurting myself... 


	15. Regressions

Author's Notes: My Chapter. Read and Review.   
  
~*~  
  
I feel his naked body lying next to me, his chest rising and falling with every breath. His fingers trace lines along my skin, bare and exposed to him. I turn my body around, looking at his content face, his dark eyes. He begins to open his mouth to say something but I put my finger up to his lips, hushing him. I'm enjoying the silence. My hands travel over his broad shoulders and toned arms, skimming over the scars that defined him for a period of time. A horrible accident, he flinches at my touch. It's a reminder of all the pain and heartbreak, something that will forever be a part of him. I place a feather-light kiss on the spot, wishing my lips could make it disappear. Such an ugly mark on a beautiful body. He forces a small smile my way, and I lean into him. His hands gently skim my sore breasts as he pulls me closer to him. The warmth of a bed is the comfort of life. He starts to kiss my neck, skimming my skin with his tongue. His arms continue to pull me deeper and deeper towards him. The only thing separating us is a few pieces of cloth here and there. He quits after a while, just giving up. I lie in the security of his arms. I'm safe and secure, I don't need anything else. I can feel myself drifting into another world, where I do not have to make life or death decisions, where I do not hurt anyone, I am by myself. But I am happy to be alone. I wish I could make the world disappear right now, for a few seconds, so I could decide where I'm going. I don't have that luxury. He plays with my hair, twirling the strands around his fingers. He's trying to remember this moment as much as I am trying to forget it. He leans in for another kiss, I can only comply. It's a reflex now, anything he does to me, he can do for the sake of having him. I just close my eyes and let him have me. I can feel him hardening against my thigh. I'm beginning to turn into a nymphomaniac. As if it's something to turn to in the worst times, something that makes me forget who I am and what I've done. I lay down against the pillow, pushing him away slightly. He understands and lets me go. He doesn't know what happened, nor do I plan to tell him. One of those dirty little secrets that I'll forever keep with me. I get out from under the covers, the cold temperature hitting my bare body, my nipples hardening, my body shivering. I walk towards the bathroom, turning on the faucet. The warm water hits me, releasing all my pains. I can hear him stirring in the kitchen and living room. We're both off to two separate worlds soon. I get out of the shower as fast as I get in. I just cleanse the smell of him off me. I don't need a reminder of what happened that night. I became a liar and a cheater. I wrap the towel around my body, walking towards the bedroom to find my clothes. He sees me and walks over, taking my hand, and kissing every finger subtly. I can't bear to look into his eyes. I know the truth and I've come to accept it. I walk away from him, a suspicious gaze directed towards me. I walk into the room and lock the door behind me. I just slept with him but I'm ashamed of him seeing me. I pull the pendant along the chain on my neck. I had everything and I lost it because of one stupid mistake. I pull on my black pants and a random shirt I dig out from under the piles. My hair is thrown into a twist and I head towards the kitchen.  
  
"I have to go."  
  
He walks up to me, pulling me in for one last kiss. It might be our last, but I'm not certain.   
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
I nod my head, lying again for the hundredth time that day.   
  
"Just over-worked."  
  
He feigns a smile and follows me to the door.   
  
"Bye."  
  
One final goodbye for us?   
  
"Bye."  
  
The door slams shut behind me. Why does everything fall apart without warning, something that was once so right, now slowly slipping through my fingers? I make my way towards the L, the air warm and pure, unlike me. I'd prefer a dirty, pitch black sky with pounding rain. It would suit me better. I get off the train, walking past smiling faces and happy people. I wish I was one of them. I'm not and never will be. I reach the ER, walking into the lounge and throwing my purse into my locker. The place is deserted, I only have a few charts to finish. I'm off today, I just wanted to be alone for a while. The ER is the best place for that sometimes. Something draws me to the deserted locker, I don't know what it is. It's across the room, but I have to go and see. Maybe convince myself that he's really going once and for all. So many memories, yet all seem like a big blur. We went through a lot, so much more than any other couple ever had to. It made us stronger for a while, then began to destroy us. I open the locker, even though he cleaned it out yesterday, it still has his aura. It will forever be his locker. I slam the door shut. I hate him. I don't care about him anymore. There is no more us. There is me and Zach. Nothing more, I don't need him in my life. He's an inconsiderate bastard who didn't want me. He used me, playing with me at my most vulnerable times, turning me into someone I can't recognize anymore. I gather my charts, leaving the memories and pains behind. I head towards the suture room. I'm an invisible piece of this ER right now, and I plan to keep it that way. I sit down, finally feeling like I can breathe. I feel like my every move is being watched, yet I deserve it. I'm the cheating whore. I don't blame Zach if he never trusts me again. He shouldn't. I don't trust myself. I gave in last night, again. As if once wasn't enough.   
  
It wasn't like before, slow and passionate. It was harrowing and caustic. He didn't care what I wanted anymore. He forced himself on me, into me, tearing me apart. The emotional frustrations being taken out on me physically. He wanted to make me hurt, every thrust deeper made me ache more. I forgot about what I was doing wrong and focused on that paroxysm. He was punishing me in his own way, and I let him, in turn punishing myself. Then I went home, betraying Zach in the worst way possible. I pretended nothing happened, every question he asked I made up an excuse. He believed every word I said, forgave every horrid thing I've done. I don't have a clear conscience. I never will because I will never tell him. He's the only thing I have to hold on to, a single thin thread that is threatening to be cut. I"m holding the knife in my hand, skimming the blade over it.   
  
The door swings open, a familiar silhouette standing in the dull light. The door shuts and we're alone. The worst way to be for us. I despise him, I'd rather not remember him now.   
  
"I thought you were leaving?"  
  
I stare at the jumbled letters on the sheet in front of me. None of them make sense. My hand is shaking, so writing it out of the question as well.   
  
"In an hour. I wanted to come and say goodbye."  
  
I keep my eyes away from him. The last thing I want is for me to regret not telling him to leave.   
  
"I thought you already did."   
  
I spit it out at him, he knows I'm not in the best of moods.   
  
"Abby..."   
  
I stand up, keeping my distance, leaning against the cabinets in the shadows.   
  
"You said your goodbye already. Now leave me alone."  
  
I stare at the black and white tiles on the floor, finally looking up when hearing the door shut. I don't regret telling him to leave. I'm going to gain back the control over my life that I once had. I'm going to get back the person I was before. Even if it means destroying a few bridges along the way. I wish I could shake the feeling of him from me, a reoccurring reminder of the repulsive act I committed. He's gone. He's erased from my memory, from my existance. It only took him three days to ruin my life. He's very good at it too. I still have my hope, and that will pull me through anything the world can throw. 


	16. Unexpected Events

Author's Notes: Kat's Chapter. Please hit that cute little review button.   
  
~*~  
  
Leaving the women at one point I thought I would spend the rest of my life with is the hardest thing. Never in my life would I have thought that one person could bring so much pain. Its like a knife digging into me over, and over, and over. Never ending, it twists turns. The pain it brings makes me cringe. I try to erase her from my memory, forgetting anything that has ever happened between us. Trying to forget how our sweaty body pounded against one another last night. I could hear her scream out in pain, yelping, moaning. We continue, not stopping, both enjoying the physical pain we were forcing upon another. Her nails digging into my back, ripping through my skin, dragging them up and down my body. As I forced myself in and out of her, we hurt each other emotionally, it was only time until the physical pain came. Neither one of us enjoying, what would usually be a sweet release. She screeched, I swear I saw a tear make its way down her cheek, but I made no effort to wipe it away. I climbed off of her and we drove in silence back to the hospital. Where she met up with Zach, presumably committing the same act with him. I can't even think about it. I don't want to.   
  
Taking one glance back at the lounge, the place which she sits, mentally killing me. Hating me, ripping my body apart. I head on my way. I don't know if I am doing the right thing, leaving here. Running away from my problems. Isn't that what got us in this predicament in the first place, running away. Pushing the truth out of our minds, erasing every thought, feeling, memory. If only it had ended different. If only it hadn't ended at all. Could we truly have made it? Loved one another for all we were worth, I don't think so. Too many obstacles. It is all better now, we have it out of our systems. The urge to be with each other, inside her. Last night was our last time. The last time I got to hold her in my arms, feel her soft lips upon mine. It was the be all and end all of our life together. I trudge through the ambulance bay, walking slowly, morosely reminiscing on our life together, for that short year. "Doctor Carter, you off?" Gallant asks cheerfully. I smile at him, a tight forced smile. "Yeah, I'm -uh I'm going back to Africa." I sigh, rubbing my chin, the area Zach hit. "Well I'll see you the next time your in town." He smiles.  
  
"Uh- I'm moving to Africa, for good." I say sadly, not wanting to think about this being the wrong thing to do. "Oh, well that's too bad we're going to miss you around here. All of us." He says genuinely, why do I get the feeling that is not true. That people don't really need me here. I am not a necessity. Not anymore at least, there are other doctors, better doctors who can lead the pack. Gallant shakes my hand, then walks off towards the hospital. I turn around, hoping, thinking, that maybe, just maybe she will come running out, begging with me to stay. Not to leave her, telling me that really am the one she wants. I watch for a few more seconds, the doors open, out walks Luka, he smiles at me, silently acknowledging my presence, but making no effort to say hello. I take a deep breath then head for the L, as the ambulance sirens sound in the air. I am off to see my son, the love of my life. I use to think Kem was the one for me. Not anymore. She is no longer the women for me, I don't think she ever really was. I used her as an escape, from what is real. Abby and I can never be, not again. So I must make do with what I have, as awful, callous, and heartless as that may sound, it is my only chance at happiness. Something everyone wants, most can not have it. But I have a chance, one shot at it. I am not going to blow it. Not this time, not like I did the last time. This is it.   
  
My hand grasps tighter around my bag, the one that holds everything I have collected from my days at county. Sadly, a stethoscope, a few sheets of paper, and a couple articles of clothing are the only things I have to show for the time I spent, the hours I put in. Not even a party, nothing. I have on small thing that will forever remind me of Abby, a picture, the only one I kept. The other I tossed at her angrily. The picture does not represent the love we shared, not for me at least. It represents the heart breaks, the anger. The way she kicked me out of her apartment on that fateful day. Nothing but pain. Why I kept it is beyond me. The stairs leading up to the L, are dirty and mucky, I walk up them, the sole person in the building. I wait on the platform, as a train pulls up, just in time. I enter, its virtually empty, save for a mother and her whining son. I watch as she rocks the small boy in her arms, trying to settle him. He looks to be about two, a full head of brown hair. A cute little guy. He pulls at her earrings, and smacks her in the face once, just as she grabs his hands forcing them to his side. The boy fusses more, causing the mother to shout at him. "Shut the hell up Christopher." She hollers at him, he stops, tears filling his tiny eyes. Her loud, abrupt attempt of trying to calm her son causes me to jump. How anyone could treat their child like this is beyond me. "Um excuse me miss." I say in attempt to stop her verbal abuse towards him. "What?" She brats back, the mother looks to be about eight teen. They both are poorly dressed, her son is probably hungry. That is why he is screaming so loudly. "Um- do you need help?" I could afford to feed the kid, but I don't want to seem like I am insulting them. "You wanna help?" She spits at me. I have a feeling this is not going to be a good encounter. "You can find this kids father, who just took off so he could go fuck some other women. That's how you ca help." I watch as the single mother fights with her son. I realise what I am doing to Kem every time I have left. Sure I leave her with money. But if I were to leave her for Abby, for a relationship that will never be, this is what could happen to Kassim. "I'm sorry." I mutter under my breath. She glares at me again. "Yeah, well so am I. I get stuck with this brat while he is fucking every women in sight. I would of like to have some fun to." She says angrily, her words sting. How could this women not want her child, that innocent little boy, I can tell the life he is going to endure is not going to be a good one. This reminds me off Abby, how she had to fight to survive. I never want anything like this for Kassim, he is such a great kid, granted I don't know him as well as I could, or should for that matter. I think I take being a father for granted. Neither his mother or I really worked out all the kinks before he was born. Which should have discussed in greater depth how us living on different continents was going to effect his life. How it is effecting our own lives. "Why are you still staring?" The mother says through gritted teeth. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking about my son." I smile at the thought of Kassim. "You have a son?" She says a little more curious. I nod, still smiling. "I bet he is better then this brat." She shoves her son into the seat beside her. I watch as the boy tries to climb back onto his mothers luck, she keeps pushing him away. Some people just shouldn't have children. I shake my head watching them. She gets angry look on her face, and is about to speak her mind, but my phone starts ringing.   
  
"Hello?" I answer, thankful that the caller has freed me of this mothers sass.   
  
"John-" Abby's tired voice scratches over the loud fuzz, that is telling me soon the phone will not work.   
  
"Abby." I sigh, not sure whether to be happy over this call or not.  
  
"Where are you?" Her voice is more muffled then before.  
  
"On the L." I answer dryly, not wanting to sound too enthused.   
  
"Oh." We stay quiet, neither knowing what to say, or how the other will react to the others words. I sit watching the mother, as she stares at me. Obviously curious as to who I am on the phone with. "Abby." I start. I want to know why she is calling me, is she going to try and talk me out of going? It won't work. I have to, for Kassim. I can no longer be selfish, I can't live in the past. "Yeah."   
  
"Why are you calling me?" I sound angry, but I'm not. Confused, yes, but not angry.   
  
"I don't know." She answers truthfully. "I just-" She is starting to cry, "I can't stop thinking about you. I want nothing to do with you, yet your always on my mind. My only thought." She seems to be sniffling. "But your leaving."  
  
"Yeah I am." I answer firmly.  
  
"Well, I'm happy for you. We had our moments." She sighs, "just stay safe." I nod, although she can't see me, I do it anyways. "Don't call me." She finishes.  
  
"I won't." I assure her. The mother watches me, then huffs silently, she wants my attention, but I refuse to give it to her. "Is that your whore?" She spits, I don't know her and already she is onto me. "Who is that?" Abby asks.  
  
"No one." I sigh rolling my eyes.   
  
"Fuck you, you insult me for the way I raise my kid, now your thinking I'm beneath you." The women gets up, as the train comes to a halt. She tosses her son over her shoulder, he squirms trying to break free. "Carter, what's going on?" Abby asks, if she'd be quiet for just a second I could figure out what this lady was going to do to her kid. "Um- I don't know." I answer. The lady approaches me and thrusts the boy into my lap then takes off out of the train. "Abby?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I think I have another kid." 


	17. Changes

Author's Notes: Review. Please. I beg of you. Nothing more. We don't get paid for this so the little reward we get are the reviews.   
  
~*~  
  
I finish the charts somewhat rapidly, skimming over them, just wanting to finish them. I can't stop yelling at myself. I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't have given in and called him. I need to let him go. I've got a new life ahead of me, with a man that would do anything for me. I love Zach, I keep on giving myself reasons not to believe it, but I do. Trust is so hard for me sometimes, especially in relationships. It's like a thorn on a beautiful rose. I sign off on my last chart, and take my purse. I drop the charts off at the main desk and head out the door before anyone can stop me. I'm going home to my best friend, my lover, my confident. No more playing these hidden games, no more lying. I took control when he left the first time. I can take control again. I can make the positive changes that I need. I can be happy, it will take some tears and pain, but I can do it. I can be a better person. There will always be something pulling me back towards him, memories of what we had before. If I hadn't known him before, it would be easier to let go. We got over our addictions together, shared many nights together talking, we laughed, we complained, we made love. There is so much history behind us, and if I don't learn it the first time, I'm bound to repeat it. I don't want to. I know what I could have done to save us. It's too late for regrets now anyway. I have a new chance, with a better man. I don't want to loose him, although I have a feeling we have a rocky road in front of us as well. My cell rings, I pull it out, scanning the caller id. I turn the phone off, turning him away from me. I'm so frustrated and angry at myself. I was weak, a damn relapse. He's like a drug, the addictive kind. I went through withdrawl the first time, I'll do it again. A chapter of my life story that I want closed. I step off the platform, heading to the condo a few blocks away. I hope he's home. I just need to see him to make sure we're still together, that he's still real. I jog up the stairs, my keys already out. Such a usual routine, not until today have I noticed how much I would miss it. I put my keys into the dish, and my purse goes on the sidetable. He walks in and looks at me, we're both hesitant on how to react after this morning. I walk towards him, standing right in front of him. He towers over me, I have to look up. He gives me a questioning glance, I start to bite on my bottom lip. Impulse takes over and my hand go around his neck, pulling him down. I plant a kiss square on his lips, leaving him in shock for a second. I can feel him starting to smile. He makes me want to smile too. He starts to straighten up, picking me up. I wrap my arms tighter around him, my legs wrap around his waist. He holds me tightly, I lean in for another kiss, this time making it deeper and longer. I pull away, and resting my head on his shoulder.   
  
"I love you."   
  
I feel him kiss me on my cheek, rocking me back and forth.   
  
"I love you, too."   
  
He puts me down, the biggest smile on his face. Our fingers interlock and we stand there just looking at each other. He leans in this time, another gentle kiss. I run my hand through his dark brown hair, then holding his face in my hands. He breaks away from me, looking at the clock.   
  
"I have to go, but I'll be back in a few hours. We'll do something special tonight."   
  
I nod my head eagerly.  
  
"I'll take care of everything."  
  
He smiles and gives me another kiss before running out the door. It's going to be a speeding ticket and a half for him, but it doesn't matter. He's chief of surgery. He can be late. I watch him walk out the door, then I walk back to the living room, collapsing on the sofa. It's been one long week, and all I want tonight is to spend time with Zach, just the two of us, no interruptions, no work, no ex's, nothing. I wonder what I can do. We haven't had any time for each other lately. It's been a strain. I have crazy shifts, and he has crazy residents calling him at odd hours of the night. I would suggest going out, but he'll be too tired by the time he gets home. We'll stay here. He's done something special for me a few times, nothing big. A simple candlelight dinner after a bath, or a stroll along the beach in the middle of the night. He's a hopeless romantic. I've found a winner. I get off the couch, walking into the bedroom and pulling out the box of candles from the corner. I don't know what my plan is just yet, but he deserves the best. I go back to the living room, pushing the table and sofa out of the way, making room in front of the fire. The candles go around the room, candles that will soon bathe the world around us in a soft yellow glow. I look at the clock, 3:57. He's on his way to Africa right now. He's gone forever. I don't know how I would feel, but I feel no remorse. He's gone, and I'm going back to the life I had wanted all along. I run my hands through my hair and decide its about time to get rid of the blonde. I've been planning to do it for weeks, but I never have time. I don't know why, I just need a physical change. I don't think Zach has ever seen me dressed up more than in jeans. Another treat for tonight I guess. I need to know I still have some sex appeal. I peel my clothes off and change into some old scrubs that are falling apart. I grab the bottle of auburn dye from the cabinet, its starting to gather dust already. I mix the solution together, the smell knocking me out of a daze. It's strong, but it's not half as bad as some of the crap we use in the ER for disinfection. I start to put the color into my hair, instantly it catches hold and I can see my blonde faze wearing off. I start to look more mature, the Abby I was before. I dont' know if I was happier back then, but I'm going to try. I can do this, I can stop lying to myself. I empty the bottle and let the color set for a few minutes. I go digging around in the closet now. It's been ages since I've dressed up. I have no need to. I flip through some shirts and pants, I could have sworn I have a black dress somewhere. Probably buried deep in the back. I skim through the hangers and finally find it, pulling it out. I bought it for Carter's charity gala. Why does everything always link back to him when I don't need it to. No. Tonight the dress is going to gain a new history. It'll be okay. I smooth it out, checking the slit against my leg. This can work. I hang it on the door in plain view. I check my hair, and turn on the water to rinse it out. I shampoo it a few times to get the horrid smell out, and towel dry it. I grab the blow dryer, deciding against waiting for it, and quickly run it on low. My hair is back to its natural dark brown color, I look like a different person. I dont' know why I went blonde, it was a spontaneous thing. Of course Susan never stopped teasing me because she said Carter only went for blondes. I mentally scold myself again. I need to get him out of my head. He's gone. He's gone, a million miles away. I brush my hair, pinning the front strands back, just loose enough to let my bangs frame my face. I hate doing my hair, but it's working with me today. I walk into the bedroom, looking for something to put under that dress. White just isn't going to cut it. I dig deeper into my bottom drawer, pulling out my black bra and undies. I never thought they would come in handy again. I slip them on quickly, then the dress comes over. I walk back into the bathroom, putting on some gentle make-up, just light enough to be noticed. I walk towards the mirror in the hallway, running a quick inspection. I've never felt so good about myself. I don't know what it is, I feel like I've been liberated from the fetters Carter had on me. I feel like I don't have to pretend to be something or someone. I can do anything I want, good or bad, and it's okay. I can only blame myself in the end. I check the clock it's 6:13. He should be home soon. I don't know what's going to happen. I set the atmopshere up, whatever he wants to do, I'll go with. It's just us tonight. I light the candles in the living room, a blanket spread out on the floor by the fire. I've never done this type of thing before, and in a way, it's a good expierence. I hear a gentle knocking at the door, that's probably him since he sometimes doesn't feel like searching for his keys. I walk over to the door, turning the lock open. It's not what I expected or needed at that point in time.  
  
"Carter? What the hell are you doing here?"   
  
He stands, looking at me in shock, just pure shock. I doubt there is another word to descibe him. I would have pushed him down teh stairs had he not been holding a squirming boy in his arms. He can't tear his eyes off me. I want to slam the door on him. He's supposed to be about five hours into a flight to Africa. Not standing outside my door gazing at me. 


	18. Ultimatums

Author's Notes: Kat's Chapter you know the warning....  
  
~*~  
  
"Carter-" She sighs, obviously not too thrilled to see me.  
  
"Hi." Is all I can manage to choke out. She looks absolutely breath taking, just marvellous. "What the hell do you want?" She pushes her brown lock of hair behind her ear. I watch as she does this, mesmerized by her beauty. She notices this, fed up with me, she tries shutting the door in my face. I stick my foot out, and push it open with my free hand. "Abby wait." I say moving Christopher from my right arm to my left. She walks into the condo angrily. I follow her, I don't want to sleep with her. Well I didn't until I came here. The reason I came here was because I need help. I know she is the one to give it to me. Despite what she make think or say, she is great with kids. She would make a fabulous mother, unfortunately I know it will never be to my children. "Abby." I walk up behind her, she is lighting candles. Many of them are spread out nicely amongst the condo. A blanket lying by the fire place, I know it is set there for one purpose only, but I don't want to think about that. I cringe at the thought of them together, him holding her tightly in his arms. As they make love, her body rubbing up against his. She softly calls out his name, moaning into his ear. No, that's not how it is suppose to be. I am suppose to be the one that holds her, the one she moans for. The one she loves. "What do you want John?" She snaps. "I have plans for tonight, none of which involve you."   
  
"Look Abby, I am not here to cause trouble, I just need your help!"   
  
"With what?" She screams, with what? Has she not seen the little boy hanging off my shoulder. "This kid here." I say with an eye roll. She just stares at the poor little boy, who is starting to fuss. This commotion must really be getting to him. Abby reaches for him, taking him into her arms and rocking him back in forth. "Who is he?" She says looking up at me worriedly. "His name in Christopher. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer your phone." I explain. "His mother and I got into, I guess you could say a fight. Anyways it ended with her leaving and dumping, Chris here, into my arms." I say with a friendly pat on Christopher's head. "You can barley raise your own kid. Hell you don't. Your here fucking around. Why the hell would someone give you a kid?" She replies rudely.  
  
"I don't think I am a bad parent." I am not suppose to be defending myself right now, but I don't like the personal attacks she has been taking on me lately. "Carter, you are here while your son is in Africa, you are not a great parent."   
  
"I am always in fucking in Africa, I come home for a week and a bit, and suddenly I'm a worse parent then a murder convict?" I screech at her, Christopher whines, and cries. Abby just runs her hands up and down his back. "I never said you were worse then a murder convict. Maybe at the level of a murder suspect." She says sarcastically. I reach for Christopher and grab him out of Abby's protective and comforting grasp. "Hey, what are you doing?" I head for the door, but she jumps in front of me.  
  
"If you are just going to be like that, I don't need your help." I try to walk around her, but she keeps getting in my way. Christopher cries some more. "Look Carter I'm sorry. Really I am. You are not my favourite person right now, but you are a good father. You love your son very much, and you seem to care about this little guy right here." She says rubbing Christopher's back reassuringly. "So please, just tell me what you need from me."   
  
"I just wanted your help telling me what I should do." She looks at me, I nod for her to take Christopher. She holds him in her arms, "he needs a diaper change." She brings her face to his head to plant a kiss and immediatly pulls away. "And a bath." We walk towards the washroom, and she strips him of every article of clothing. Diaper rash covers the poor boy. Abby looks at me with sad eyes. "You should call social services. They won't be open until Monday though, seeing as today's Friday you might have something company for the weekend." I nod as she sets him into the bath, he screams, as the Luke warm water touch the dark red diaper rash. Big fat tears fall down his tiny face, his brown hair matted to his sweating forehead. He stops mid cry to swallow, then cry some more. "Poor guy." Abby says holding him up. "John, you have to go to the store and grab diapers and Vaseline." She says just loud enough to be heard over a wailing Christopher.   
  
"Okay." I nod leaving the washroom, knowing Christopher is in great hands. "Oh John." I stop in the doorway and turn to Abby, she smiles weakly at me. I smile back. We are having one of those moments, where the world seems to stop, everything goes silent. Even the murderous cries of the baby. "John-" He voice is soft sensual, a smile playing upon her lips. Right now I know anything can happen. Anything. "Tissues, he is really snotty." My smile immediately turns into an upside down frown. I turn around, again. I walk out to the kitchen as she hollers for me to report this to the police. I head towards the door, just as a key turns in it. I stop dead in my tracks. Again everything goes silent. Accept this isn't because I am having a moment with the women I love. This is because I am about to get my ass kicked. Again. The door swings open, Zach's eyes meet mine. Rage covers his face. "Listen-" I start, but I don't get a chance as he approaches me.   
  
"What the fuck are you doing here?" He screams.  
  
"Zach." Abby, comes out of washroom with Christopher wrapped in a towel. "Hey baby." She walks over to him and kisses him on the mouth. Possibly the most painful thing I've ever had to watch. It feels as though she is doing it to hurt me. Showing me that she has moved on. She doesn't need me anymore. "What the hell is he doing here?" Zach says through gritted teeth. "Oh, John screwed up." She says in a matter of fact tone. "And he got a little boy, Christopher," she gestures towards Chris. "Thrown into his lap on the L train earlier today."   
  
"Why is he here?" Zach asks again, a little calmer, but not much.  
  
"Because he didn't know what to do." She says looking for something to feed Christopher in the refrigerator. "John, pick up some arrow root crackers from the store when you go. Cheerio's, and maybe some formula." I nod.  
  
"I thought he's a father?" Zach interjects.  
  
"He is." Abby answers turning to me again. "I think he's dehydrated John, malnutrition too." She cringes, "we really need to take him to the hospital to get checked out."   
  
"Okay, lets go." I say walking towards the door. She follows me, stopping suddenly.  
  
"We need something to put him in." I shrug, I have no clothes. Nothing.   
  
"We can put him in his old stuff, then grab some other stuff on the way to the hospital, as well as diapers." She suggests, walking into the bathroom, with an angry Zach on her heels. "Abby, why do you have to go." He stands in the doorway watching her gather Christopher's things. "Because I can keep Christopher calm, and help him." She reasons.  
  
"No, this is just a ploy for John to get into your pants." He says becoming more and more infuriated by the second. His fists are balled, knuckles going white. How I remember that from the other night. I rub my cheek cringing at the memory. "No Zach it isn't. This little boy needs me. This has nothing to do with John." She says in defence of herself.  
  
"Yes, it has everything to do with John." He is now screaming causing Christopher to fuss. Abby pushes by Zach and into the living room, where I am standing me. Handing me Christopher, as she prepares to get him dressed. "No Zach, it doesn't. I love you. Hear me, YOU! Not him." This hits me like a ton of bricks, and if I wasn't standing in front of Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver, I would have. I watch as Zach stares at her, I can tell she looks sorry, and she really loves him. I hate this moment, I hate it so Damn much. Why the fuck did I give up something so good? Abby puts Christopher's shirt over his head, then his pants, he doesn't have a diaper. I hope he can last for the five minutes it takes up to get to the store. "Come here." She takes Christopher from me and plants a kiss on his forehead. "Abby, don't do this." Zach warms, she looks at him sympathetically, obviously not backing down. "We'll be back in a bit. I'll call you." She leans up and kisses him. He doesn't reciprocate. Hell if it were me, I'd be all over her. I would never let her. I never should have let her go. "Abby." He grabs her free wrist, making her look him in the eye. He glances over at me, not wanting on lookers. I don't turn away. He whispers in her ear, "if you do this, there won't be an us." She looks at him hurt. Hoping he is joking, I'm hoping he's completely serious. She looks hesitant at first. "I have to go." She wriggles free of his grip then walks ahead of me through the door. 


	19. Painful Sacrafices

Author's Notes: My mission::: Update at least once a day. Kat will keep me in line. Enjoy!  
  
~*~  
  
I reach the bottom of the stairs, a screaming and squirming Christopher in my arms and a elated Carter on my heels. I don't know why I'm going. I shouldn't, Zach probably is right. This might be another trick of his to get together with me. Why did he come to me instead of the hospital? It makes absolutely no sense. I stop right before opening the main door. I turn around, placing Christopher in Carter's arms.   
  
"I can't do this. There is a man upstairs that I love. I'm not willing to sacrifice loosing him..."  
  
I see the look on his face turn to a dejected one, Chris not adding to the moment. He starts to cry again, I position him better so Carter is not touching him anywhere that might hurt him.   
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
I start to walk off, but I hear Carter's voice, a low whisper behind me.   
  
"I'm sorry, too."  
  
I don't stop because I know if I do, I will probably go running back there. But all he stands for is heartbreak and pain. A chapter of my life that I have closed once and for all. I get to our door and hesitate for a minute, what will Zach say. I never even thought about how this is affecting him. I open the door and walk in, he's standing looking out the window. He hears me come in, and his hand goes up to wipe the tear that had fallen. He might have thought I didn't see it, but I did. I walk up to him, wrapping my arms around him. I feel a kiss on my head, my body begins to melt into his.   
  
"I love you."  
  
He pulls me in closer to him, his arms running up and down my back. This feels so right, but not complete. It's complicated to explain. I wish I could explain it to myself.   
  
"You look beautiful."  
  
I give him a small smile. Regret is a one way street right now. If I had gone with Carter, I would have regret leaving Zach behind. And I regret letting Carter take Chris by himself. Zach's arms let go of me, and we lean in for kiss, slow, delicate, passionate. It's always like that. I'll never get sick of it. He pulls away, he seems to be in control tonight.   
  
"Go get changed, I'll go wtih you."  
  
I look at him, what is he talking about?   
  
"To the hospital."  
  
I nod my head, why does he become more perfect by the second? I start towards the bedroom, Zach behind me, pulling on the zipper of my dress. I start to laugh, well at least he got to take the thing off. He pulls me back into his arms for a second, another stolen kiss.   
  
"I love you, too."  
  
He lets me go and a I search for a pair of sweatpants and a shirt. He watches me change, I would ordinarily be creeped out, but I've grown so used to him. The sparkle in his eyes every time he looks at me. He pretends not to do it, but I know he does. His eyes tell me more than his words ever could. I pull on a pair of shoes and I grab his hand, pulling him towards the door. We take his car, the fastest way. Within a few minutes we turn the corner to the hospital parking lot and leave the car. We walk towards the ER, his arm over my shoulder, my hand in his. I push my code into the door, gaining admittance to the busy ward. I walk towards the main desk, running my eyes over the board, but I don't see anything related to Carter or Chris.   
  
"Jerry, did Carter bring a baby in?"  
  
He nods his head, I silently thank god it was Jerry not Frank. Frank has a bitter sarcastic attitude.   
  
"He's in the suture room."  
  
I push Zach's arms off me but I hold on to his hand. I walk towards the room, saying hi to a few friends, and appreciating the glances that are directly totallly towards Zach. I know he's handsome and adorable, no need to remind me.   
  
I push the door open, walking towards Luka and Carter. What an awkward moment. My two ex boyfriends and my current boyfriend. Zach and Luka shake hands, they have met before, and actually got along. I was a bit worried about the first time, but Luka is quite happy with Sam, and a friendship formed between them. I walk towards Chris and direct Luka's attention back to the baby. I glanced at Carter earlier, not a sight I want to repeat. He's not exactly thrilled to have Zach and Luka here. Probably much less that the two got along. Chris is squirming a bit, but for the most part he has calmed down.   
  
"We have him on IV fluids, I just ran bloodwork."  
  
I nod my head, knowing the procedure. I take Chris's hands and start to play with him, diverting his attention towards me. He starts to smile a bit, he's actually quite cute. I don't understand how a mother would just be able to ditch her child into the arms of another. Carter could have been a drug dealer for all she knew. I feel Zach's hands run up and down my shoulders, I look up at him and he's smiling. He takes Chris's other hand and starts to play with him as well. We had never talked about kids. Hell I barely said I love you to him yesterday. Its complicated, but I guess I just figured out he likes them. Our finger games with Chris start to bore him, and he starts to cry again, probably from discomfort. I start to pick him up, but Zach stops me, reaching in and bringing him into his arms. He rocks him back and forth. I give Zach's arm a reassuring squeeze and turn towards Luka.  
  
"Have you called Adele yet?"  
  
I watch the tall Croatian nod his head, but he doesn't have a promising look on his face.   
  
"She's searching for a home for him. We can't do anything to the mother because of the Child Abandonment Act. We need to find a special needs home and most of them seem to filled up right. He's going to require alot of attention, he's been neglected. Dyhydration, malnutrition, infection, diaper rash...."  
  
I nod my head, he might end up being here for a while. He doesn't require actual hospitalization, but that's the only thing that they can do right now before finding a home for him.   
  
"Why don't we take him?"  
  
I hear Zach's voice behind me, and I turn around. Chris has fallen sleep in his arms, he's rocking his small figure in his arms. I walk over to him and look at him questioningly. I turn back towards Luka.   
  
"Call Adele, ask her if we can temporary placement until they find him a stable home."  
  
Luka nods his head and starts to head towards the phone. I think all of us had forgotten about the fifth body in the room.  
  
"Wait.. He was dropped into my arms."  
  
I turn my body a bit, looking at him. He's leaning against the metal cabinet, as if watching the action playing out, and taking no part in it.   
  
"You're going back to Africa tomorrow."  
  
I state it plainly for him. He knows he has a loosing battle. I turn back towards Luka and nod towards him to call.   
  
"I'll stay."  
  
I roll my eyes and look at Zach. Carter does not know when to stop. Zach hands Christopher to me, and then he puts his arm around me. I lean into him, this looks like the picture perfect family from the outside. Luka dials Adele's number and all I can do is pray that Adele agrees. I listen to the conversation, of course it's only one ended.   
  
"Adele? About the baby that was brought in by Carter, any luck?... He's on IV fluids and antibiotics and has to stay on them for a few days... No, bloodwork came up negative... Actually, that's why I'm calling. Dr. Lockhart is here with her fiancee."  
  
I was going to interrupt him, but I ignored it. Its not going to strengthen our chances if I interrupt, and I can tell this is something Zach really wants. I just lean my head back against his arms.   
  
"... Yes I do feel they are qualified ... He's a surgeon at Loyola... Okay, thank-you..."  
  
He hangs up the phone and gives us a reassuring glance.  
  
"It's not a usual thing, but Adele will try to pull some strings and you might get lucky. She said it might take a few hours to confirm."  
  
I nod my head and look towards Zach, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.   
  
"But don't get your hopes up."  
  
I give Luka a small smile and he starts walking towards the door. I feel Zach let go of me and he follows Luka out the door. I'm left alone with Christopher. And Carter. This can only spell out disaster.  
  
I put Chris down on the bed, my arms are getting incredibly tired. I hold on to his tiny hand, brushing the hair out of his face.   
  
"Fiancee?"  
  
Carter's voice seems to echo through the room.The door swings open, and Zach comes back in. He walks up to me, putting his hand around my waist.   
  
"Fiancee... If you'll have me?"  
  
I turn around towards Zach. He's joking right? I mean he can't be serious. I cheated on him, I lied to him, I'm the worst possible person to marry, ever. I'm absoultely awestruck and skeptical at the same time.   
  
"Your kidding..."  
  
He starts to smile, shaking his head.   
  
"Abby... I love you, you know that... I want to spend the rest of my life with you.. Will you... Will you give me the honor of being your husband?"  
  
I almost reflexively look towards Carter. He seems as confused and shocked as I do. I see the terror etched in his eyes. I know how much pain I am capable of right now. I know my interior motive, but neither of them will ever know. I break away from Carter and look back at Zach.   
  
"Yes."  
  
I hear Carter's shoes hit the lineoleum floor and squeak slightly, he rushes out of the room, attempting to slam the swing door behind him. I devert my gaze back to Zach and his smiling expression. I lean into his arms and regret the biggest mistake of my life. 


	20. Truth and Consequences

Author's Notes: Kat's Chapter BEWARE  
  
~*~  
  
The streets are abandoned, not a soul in sight. Right now that's how I like it. No one to bother me. Although a little ruckus would be nice, something to get me out of my own head. I have a trapped feeling, I feel like I am in a dead end, there is no way out. The more I try to push the further back I go. When I do nothing, I go no where. There seems to be no way out of the predicament I have, somehow, gotten myself into. I am digging myself a grave. Every time I think I may be able to let go, drop that shovel, something, or rather someone, prompts me to pick it back up again. I walk through the dark back streets of Chicago. Refusing to go on the L again, afraid of what might happen. I have had enough excitement for one night. I trudge my way out onto a main street, hailing down a cab. I yank open the stuck door, of the beat up yellow automobile. I shuffle in, scraping my bottom along the crusty seat. The driver looks at me through his rear view mirror. His brown eyes the only visible body part, apart from strands of grey hair that are sticking up messily. "Where to?" His voice deep and raspy. I think of a place I can go, anywhere. The mansion, not the mansion. I will just get lost in my own disturbing thoughts, I can't go there. "To the bar on fifth please." I slump down in my seat as the driver nods at me. I watch as he slowly makes his way down the empty streets. A few scarce people walk in and out of buildings, but for the most part it is deserted. The cap comes to a slow stop, I reach into my pocket digging for money. I hand the driver a twenty knowing that he was over paid. He says a simple thank you, another nod of his head. I slam the rusty door shut, he feels down the street, going much faster then he did when I was in the car.   
  
I walk into the dingy bar, sitting down on the stool. People crowd around the dance floor, music blaring through the speakers, vibrating the wood floor. I look to my right, an over weight man chewing on peanuts, he does not seem the type to be in a bar like this. My left a women mid thirties, who is smiling at me flirtatiously. I smile back, a friendly smile. The bar tender slings me a beer. I take one sip, cringing at the bitter taste upon my lips. Abby is with her boyfriend... Well fiancee now, and new addition to the family. I know she doesn't really love him, it was evident in her eyes, in her hesitance when he proposed. She doesn't love him like I don't love Kem. At least I can admit it. I have come to terms with my love for Abby, she has yet to vocally admit her feelings for me. Although I know they are there. But we can never be together. It is impossible now. We both know it. Maybe that is why she is so reluctant to admit any resurfacing feelings. What are the odds of us being able to act on them. She is the smart one. I am the fool. None the less I have to have her. I need her, when I am around her, near her. In her. Everything just seems so right, all my problems fade away. She's perfect. Although she may not see it. She is. She is not like Kem, Kem is different. Kem was a breath of fresh air for me. At first she was all I needed. She was beautiful, perfect. Perfect in everyway. Not like Abby who is imperfectly perfect. She has flaws, but is perfect in my eyes.   
  
I set down my beer glass. The Fourth of the night, that won't do. No not tonight. I need more. God I need more. I toss my glass out in front of the bar tender who gets the idea to refill. I look at the women, who at the beginning of the night did not look so attractive. She smiles again, this time I smile back wider. I take another sip of my beer. Although this girl is appearing to be tempting. I can't, I don't want her I want Abby. "Abby-" I slur. She rolls her eyes at me, getting up and walking away. I watch her walk away, funny how beer can help people look better. I bet that's how she gets laid. I bow my head, looking at the peanut shells scattered around the bar. "You think you've had enough?" The scruffy bar tender asks me. I shake my head no. "Abby-" I say once more, I can see her beautiful face now. The way she tucks her hair behind her ears nervously. How her smile is so rare, but so sweet and pure when it finally appears. "Why don't you go home to Abby." The husky man suggests. I finish of the beer, then take the mans advice. I stumble out of the bar, hailing down a cab, this time heading straight for Abby's. The cab seems to be going faster, whizzing by everything. I fiddle in my pocket, trying to find the exact change this time. Alcohol must make me cheap. I hand the man the money, he grunts at me disappointingly, as I slam the metal door. I grab onto the railing, steadying myself. I take it one step at a time up the stairs. I need profess my love for Abby. I need to let her know how I truly feel, even if she doesn't love me too, which she does. I need for her to know. Before I go away forever to Africa.   
  
I walk up the stairs to her condo. The apartment is dimly lit, I knock on the door. Not taking a minute to think. Thoughts only seem to be corrupting me these days. I need to run on instinct, my gut feeling. Abby opens the door looking at me stunned. "John." She says more shocked then upset. Her _expression immediately changes, to one of anger. "Abby." I slur again. Her name, the only word I manage to say throughout my drunken state. "You're drunk." She sighs. "Look, you have to go home. Zach will be here any minute." She says trying to shoo me away.  
  
"I love you." I spit out. Chris mumbles incoherent words in the background. Abby turns her head back to see the little boy smiling in a makeshift crib set up in their living room.   
  
"Just go John." She says firmly. Her eyes dart back to a beaming Chris. I can't believe Luka would turn to them over me. I saved the damn mans life.  
  
"Listen Abby-" She doesn't let me finish. frantically waves her hands in the air.  
  
"John, go home." I support myself against the door frame. Running my fingers through my tousles of hair.   
  
"Not until you tell me you don't love me." She shakes her head at me. I stand up right, immediately stumbling into the apartment. She reaches out grabbing my arm. I wrap my arms around her waist.   
  
"John Stop." She pushes me again. I don't believe she doesn't love me. She loves me just as much as I love her. She would tell me if she didn't. She can't tell me, because she can't lie to me. She never could. I am her weakness, she is mine. She balances me. "I am calling the mansion, getting a car for you." She says helping me over to the couch. I slouch down, watching Chris. His eyes are slowly closing.   
  
"I love you Abby." She rolls her eyes at me, dialling the mansion number. She still remembers it, after all the time apart she remembers my number. If that's not true love, what the hell is? She fiddles with paper on the counter top impatiently as the phone rings. I watch her intently. She is so damn beautiful, even in that simple outfit with her hair tied up. "Love you Abby." I say once more. Just as she starts talking into the phone.  
  
"Kem???" She says shocked. I bolt upright, Kem. My Kem, the Kem I 'supposedly love.' Abby looks scared. "No, no. Sorry, um he didn't mean that. Uh." She stumbles over words. She is having a bad case of verbal diarrhoea. "Look, he is very drunk." She says, he face scrunched up. "Can you send a car to come get him." I slouch back down into the couch. I don't care what Kem says or does, I don't love her. I love Abby.   
  
"No really, you don't have to come and get him." Abby looks annoyed now, just in time for Zach to open the door, only to see me sitting on his couch, his fiancee mere feet away. "Okay, I'll tell him." Abby hangs up, she concentrates on me, her eyes locked on my glazed eyes.   
  
"Kem, is coming to get you John." She swings around facing Zach, whose facial expression has not changed over the course of a few seconds. "Abby-" His voice threatening.   
  
"Don't worry, Zach." She reassures, with a phoney smile. He watches as she stares intently at him, they are attempting to speak through facial expressions, through eye contact. They can't. They don't have the chemistry too. Not like Abby and I did. Abby and I were great at it, we had everything together. We are the perfect match.   
  
"Look, I don't want him-" He starts to say, but Abby cuts him off with a wave of the hand, as she spin around to pick up a suddenly fussing Christopher. Funny, as soon as Zach enters the room Chris starts to get upset. Chris has an excellent Asshole radar.   
  
"He's drunk." She states it plainly, as though she is talking about scuffed up shoes needing polish. She sits down next to me, I watch as they interact, preferring to be the bystander then involved in this soon to be heated conversation. I will have my chance when Kem gets here. Whom I have no idea why she is here. I was suppose to come home, why would she come here? This is making no sense, but in this state nothing at all seems to be making sense.   
  
"I don't care if he's high off every drug in the city. I don't want him near my house, you or Chris." He screams, Chris cries, I attempt to take him from Abby, but she pushes my hand away. Her boob is close enough for me to grab, but I pass up that urge, not wanting Zach's shoe imprinted on my face.   
  
"Zach he came here." He rolls his eyes, he knew I came to her. Hell thats the way it always goes. She never comes to me, I am the desperate pathetic one. Who is suddenly realising what a fuck up they really are. Abby on the other hand is beautiful, intelligent, a women of today. One who jus doesn't know how damn good she has it. She has everything, everything she could ever want. Accept for one thing. Me. I know she does, but she is afraid to admit it.   
  
"Fuck, I know that Abby." He says getting angrier and angrier by the second." Abby looks a little taken a back by his actions, preceding to scoot closer to me. I extend my arm over the back of the couch as a protective force for her.   
  
"Don't say that in front of Christopher." She mumbles, brushing his short hair to the side. Zach rolls his eyes, preparing to speak just as someone knocks on the door. I know who it is, we all do. If they thought their fight was bad, well get ready for round two. Kem isn't stupid, she knows something's up, its just a matter of time. 


	21. Lost Causes

Authors' notes: Yippie I updated!!!  
  
~*~  
  
I watch Zach open the door slowly, trying to be nice to the woman he was meeting for the first time. I've seen her before, and we exchange acknowleding glances. I stand up, moving away from Carter. I'm not going to fight with him right now. He's drunk, much drunker than I've ever been. At least when I'm drunk I pass out in my bed and wait for the headache in the morning. I move towards Zach and hand Christopher to him. I walk over to Kem, she's sitting on the couch next to a very unhappy looking Carter. I sit on the opposite side of him, she doesn't look exactly pleased with the condition she found him in. I shrug my shoulders, its not my fault, I did nothing to bring this on. She starts to rub his shoulders, wanting to soothe him out of the condo slowly, but he quickly pushes her off.   
  
"John, what's wrong?"   
  
I get off the couch and head back over to Zach, a few feet away. I start to push him away towards the room, giving him a pleading _expression. He looks enfuriated but he complies anyway. I shut the door, and move back towards the living room. He doesn't have to hear the conversation, but I think I do. I lean against the wall, in the deep shadows, hoping they won't know I'm here. I focus my attention on the conversation they are having.   
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
Well at least she is here, I don't understand why he's acting like this towards her. He was practically calling her a goddess last time he was here. I don't know what I would have done with him had Kem not been here. Zach would have murdered him.  
  
"I missed you. Kassim missed you."   
  
I hear him whimper a bit but move away from her more.   
  
"I love you, John. Please..."  
  
I see him turn his head towards me, we lock eyes. I don't know how he knew I was standing back here, but he knew. His eyes control me, summon me, pull me towards him. I walk out of the shadows, and he quickly diverts his gaze away from me. His body language would be enough for me, but she keeps on persisting.   
  
"John?"  
  
I lean against the counter, I want to take a gun and put the two poor miserable creatures out of their misery once and for all.   
  
"I don't love you."  
  
I hear it, it sounds like a thousand angels singing the most beautiful sound on the planet. He's said it. She doesn't hear it. Or pretends not to. Or doesn't want to. He's being so inconsiderate to the poor woman. I'm supposed to hate her, but I hate him. She's the mother of his child, raising him on her own while he runs around in Chicago chasing a lost dream. That lost dream may be me, but I still sympathize with her. I hear him rephrase his statement, this time only louder. He looks back at me, I simply take the statement as a lie, giving Kem a look that said I had nothing to do with this. She knows I'm the one he's in love with.   
  
"You're an idiot, Carter."  
  
I don't know why I choose to interject, it seemed like the perfect time. I could see the pained look on Kem's face, I couldn't take it anymore. One woman who had her heart broken by him is enough. As much as I detested her earlier, no one should go through the pain and suffering that I went through.   
  
"You have a beautiful, passionate, loving woman in front of you, and you're going to throw it all away? I'm engaged, Carter. There is no us. There never will be."  
  
Kem and I suddenly and silently have a better appreciation for each other. I move towards the window, away from the two. She's the one that is moving herself away from him now. I give her a reassuring glance, and she knows what she's going to do. She's strong, she's young, she can do better.   
  
"I never want to see you again. I'll send the papers for sole custody to you when I return to Africa."   
  
I watch him bury his head into his hands, hiding the tears that I know have begun to fall. I feel sorry for him for a minute, but that is suddenly relieved when I know I have what I want with Zach. I know that Zach will always be there, will love me for who I am, will not try to change me.   
  
"Get out Carter."  
  
He looks at me, two heartbreaks in one sitting is evident on his face. I give him a nonchallant look, and he looks at Kem. But none of us respond to him. I walk towards the door, opening it for him, and he trudges out, still a little drunk. I could care less. He can fall down teh stairs and break his neck. He gives me one last glace before I slam the door straight in his face.   
  
I move my attention back to Kem. She's standing in the middle of my living room, trying to stay strong long enough for him to get out of earshot. I trot towards her, my hand going on her shoulder. She turns around and I pull her towards the couch. I see her eyes beginning to brim with salty tears, and I sit down, pulling her into my arms. Her body starts to shake and I run my hand up and down her shoulders and back. I feel so sorry for her. No one deserves to be put through so much torture. She really loved him.   
  
I hear the door squeak open and Zach emerges, a victorious look on his face. He probably got Chris to sleep all by himself. I mouth to him to get a blanket and a pillow. He responds quickly, bringing them out of the hall closet. I pull myself away from Kem, and I place the pillow under her head. I throw the blanket over her shaking figure. Zach understands and leaves us alone. I lean down to her, taking her hand.   
  
"I know what you went through. And believe me, he's not worth it."   
  
She digs her head deeper into the pillow, giving my hand a squeeze signifying she knows.   
  
"You'll find a better man, who will love you for everything you are. You deserve it. You and your son both do."  
  
She nods her head this time, meeting gazes with me.   
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
I shake my head, giving her a small smile.   
  
"Don't worry about it. Get some rest and I'll help you figure out arrangements in the morning."  
  
I get up off the couch, letting her collect her thoughts and be alone for a while. I go back into our bedroom, Zach lying on the bed, reading a book. He's really sexy right now, with nothing but his boxers on. I take off my sweaty clothes, and climb into bed next to him. I lay my head down on his stomach, he plays with my hair. I look up at him and can't help but smile. He's different. A good different. He puts his book down and takes his hands and runs them over my body. We shouldn't be doing this, but I can't help it. I'm incredible turned on by him. His fingers were tracing patterns along by back but they suddenly seemed to change course and run over my neck, then my chest. He takes my nipple inbetween his two fingers and starts to tease it, driving me insane. I pull my body closer to him. He gives me a kiss, and continues a trail down to where his fingers had just been. He starts to suck, it feels good but painful at the same time. And its defintley not supposed to feel like that. I let him do it for a few minutes longer because it feels wonderful. Then the pain starts again. He stops and turns the lamp off, sending the room into blackness. He lies down and pulls me even closer to him, intertwining our legs and arms.   
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
I shrug my shoulders, it's probably just horomones or stress.   
  
"I don't know, my breasts hurt."   
  
He starts to laugh a little and I really want to hit him.   
  
"What? They seem bigger."  
  
I roll my eyes, thankfully he cannot see any of my eye rolling in this light. I let myself melt into his arms, he looks absolutyl perfect in the dull moonlight, my arms wrapped around his body, my legs twisting with his. Yet strangely the last image that pops into my head is of Carter, the picture of him when I was a med student, when I saw him shooting up for the first time. It's an image I have to forget, but I can't. I take a deep sigh, and pull away from Zach. Damn him. Why the hell does he have to control my every action? I get out of bed, searching for my clothes in the dull light.  
  
"Abby? What's going on?"  
  
I pull on my top, forgetting about a bra at all. I don't care. I go over to his side of the bed, giving him another kiss.   
  
"I'll be back. I promise. I love you."  
  
I hear his head plop down on the pillow.   
  
"You've got to let the asshole go."  
  
I walk out of the room, but before I do I look back at him.   
  
"I will when I know he's okay."   
  
I hear him call out my name, but I'm long gone. I pass Kem's sleeping figure on the sofa. Why the hell did I have to get in the middle of this. Why did I have to love him? Why did I wish everything would work out? Now everything's more confusing than ever, and I shouldn't even be going after him. I shouldn't care about him. But I do, and it scares me that I can't stop. I will always worry about him. 


	22. Going Back

Author's Notes: Second update. Oh I'm good 0_o Anyways Kat's chapter so your warned!! x_X  
  
~*~  
  
A loud banging on my door brings me out of my restless sleep. The alcohol sure did a number on me. I drag myself out of my makeshift bed on the floor of my bathroom. I dropped like a deer in hunting season on it, when I got home. The cab ride wasn't a smooth one. I managed the empty my stomachs contents into the toilet bowl and not the back seat of the cab. I ran like a bat out of hell upstairs, and into my apartment, just to save myself the embarrassment of vomiting in the entrance of my building, or even worse in the elevator, or stairs. I am not a frequent drinker, I believe that began to show. The night is a save for the bitter end. I make my way to the door of my one bedroom apartment, nights like this, without comes like that, are the reason I keep this place. Another knock persists, I groggily mumble an incoherent phrase, as I throw open the door. In front of me stands Abby, hair tied in a pony tail, with sweat pants on, and an over sized sweater hanging off her shoulder. Only a t-shirt to cover her, would be, bare shoulder.   
  
"Hi" She breathes, taking in my unkempt appearance. I wipe my hand over my face, trying to focus the much, that is, my brain.   
  
"What are you doing here?" My voice cracks, the dryness in my throat making me wince, she sighs deeply, blinks, she seems to be asking herself the same question.   
  
"I wanted to make sure you were okay." She says this with a tinch of sympathy.   
  
"You didn't care when you kicked me out of your place earlier." I turn away from her walking into my apartment, but leaving the door open. I can hear her footsteps behind me, pushing her way through the swinging door to join me in the kitchen.   
  
"You didn't do anything stupid did you?" I crack open the lid of my water, scoffing at her insane comment. Jesus Abby, I'm not like you. I can handle when something bad happens, I won't turn to drugs. Although I wouldn't call this bad. Unexpected, well maybe not expected so soon. But it was inevitable. It would have been nice to have Kem around though, someone to cuddle up to. We all get lonely, so with her I wasn't quite as lonely.   
  
"Did you close the door behind you?" She looks dejected as I ignore her question altogether. Did she expect me to confide in her, after she supports Kem over me. I know I hurt Kem, but at least I was honest with her. I didn't keep this deceitful behaviours going on behind her back, which would have hurt her even more then this did. Too bad Abby can't give Zach the same respect.   
  
She brushes the hair out of her eyes sighing defeated. "I can't believe I left my boyfriend for you." She grumbles. I shrug taking a swig of my water. Unfortunately dehydration happens after you get completely tanked, which I am. Sort of. I think the booze have worn off for the most part, now I am here with the women I love, not being able to get within three feet of her, without an over protective goon flying out of nowhere and detaching my head from my body. Acting cold towards her is the only way I can deal right now.   
  
"I can." I say smugly, maybe too smugly. She approaches me, moving so our bodies are inches apart. My back resting against the counter top, making our faces as close as our bodies, her breath mingling with mine. She is so close I can practically taste her. The smell of her taking me over, invigorating me, encompassing me with her smell. She moves her face closer to me, anger taking over her once sadden features. "You are nothing, but a worthless piece of shit. You think you can go around fucking everyone, breaking every heart," she spits at me, pausing for a short breath. Gathering more hateful things to toss at me.   
  
"Maybe I can." I shrug nonchalantly, not letting her finish her incomplete sentence. I just added fuel to the already out of control fire. "Maybe you can, but it doesn't matter anymore. Not to me at least. I am through with you and the shit you pull." Her voice is lower, calmer, pained, a contradiction to the way it started just a few seconds ago. I pull her in closer to me, our bodies separated somewhere during her fit. Her hand rests on my leg. "I don't love you John Carter. I can't. It hurts to much. Her fingers trace designs along my leg. Sending involuntary shivers through my spine. I can hear my heart break, because this time I know she is telling the truth. She can let go, she is strong enough to let go. I lift her chin up. Our eyes meeting as I pull her in for one last kiss. I run my tongue along her lips, memorizing her taste, the way her lips move against my own. She slowly pulls away, "Good luck." She starts, luck with what I am not so sure. She is probably saying it to ease the tension, the pain. "I-" She whispers, wiping the unshed tears, with the back of her hand. "Just don't do anything stupid." She laughs, pulling out of my embrace. She walks to the kitchen door turning to look at me once more.   
  
"You don't have to go." I say breaking the silence. She laughs bitterly, what is this a way of mocking me, another way to rub the harshness of reality in my face. "We can go somewhere, just us. Raise a fam-" My voice breaking, tears threatening to fall.   
  
"John don't." She says firmly, my hopes and dreams crashing around me, god we would have beautiful kids, we could raise Chris and Kassim.   
  
"Don't do this to yourself John."   
  
"But-" I try, but she doesn't let me continue. It is probably for the best, that she cuts me off before I slowly kill myself, letting her go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Breaking up with her the first time was the stupidest.   
  
"I don't love you. I am finally, after nights thinking it would never happen, over you and falling in love with Zach. I never thought it would happen, but it is." It would have been easier if someone just hammered a nail through my heart, put me out of my misery sooner.  
  
"So that kiss meant nothing to you?" I ask hopefully, knowing the answer, but trying anyways. It couldn't make me feel worse then I already do.  
  
"Yeah, it did." She sighs, causing my ears to perk up in expectancy. "It meant closure, a last goodbye. The end of something that was only going to kill me, slowly, but surely." I watch as she turns and leaves, her shadow trailing behind her in my dimly lit apartment. The door slams as she walks out of my apartment for good. The sound of her voice telling me she doesn't love me, the door slamming, every moment we ever shared, every time we made love, argued, everything, plays through my head. Killing me. Slowly, but surely. Maybe I won't be the death of her, but she will be the death of me.   
  
I slam my water bottle onto the counter, looking at it for a second before taking off after the women of my dreams. The women who I had, but let go. I run down the stairs, going down two or three at a time. I burst through the entrance of my apartment, there she stands in all her glory, the lights shining down on her just like an angel. A beautiful angel from heaven. Her sweater, now in her hand, she turns to look at me. Smiling weakly, her nipples evident through her white shirt. This makes me want her even more, knowing that never again will I be able to hold her in my arms. Have my way with her. She turns, opening the door of the cab, I run after her, just making it to the curb as the taxi pulls off down the street. Taking her away from me, to him.  
  
The cab pulls to a sudden halt, stopping in the middle of the street. She gets out and slowly makes her way towards me, her sweater still in her hand. I start to walk, meeting her half way. A small smile crossing my lips, she loves me. She truly does. She stops in front of me. Her hair in a tangled mess, she tried pushing it away from her face, but it just falls forward again. She pulls the t-shirt up onto her shoulder, covering her skin. I pull it back down, tracing my finger along her bare flesh. Loving the feel of her skin on my finger tips. She watches as I do this, half of her wants to run away, be the strong one, go back to him. The other wants to succumb to her urges, to the truth. She knows she loves me. He is nothing but a void filler. Soon the void will become so big she won't be able to fill it. It will become impossible, the only one who can ease her pain, is me. I know her inside out, everything about her. At first all I needed was to feel her body against mine, make love to her. Now it is deeper, I need to be around her, hear her speak. Have her in my arms, anything. I can't loose her. Not now. Not ever.   
  
"You came back." It is barley audible, but she catches it. Her gaze meets mine.  
  
"I forgot my keys in your apartment." She pauses, my hand falling. She didn't come back for me. She came back so she wouldn't wake him when she went back to him. "They are on your counter." 


End file.
